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Report: Freshman Who Barfed in Pennypacker Elevator was Not Drunk

 

Multiple reports confirm that James Gibson, the college freshman who christened Pennypacker Hall’s elevator with a steamy puddle of banana-colored vomit last night, was legitimately not drunk.

 

The incident marks the first time in Penn State history that a student has actually thrown up on the elevator due to an actual illness. James, who after three bowls of hot soup has completely recovered from his illness, was ecstatic when we spoke to him.

 

“It’s hard to put into words, it just feels good. If I’m ever having a shitty day and I need something to lift my spirits; I’ll just remind myself that I hurled in the elevator when I wasn’t actually drunk. It’s a good feeling.”

 

Needless to say, James’ parents were also ecstatic.

 

“When I heard the news I almost dropped the phone. I was so proud of little James,” exclaimed his mother.

 

His dad was especially moved by the ordeal. With tears in his eyes he proudly proclaimed, “We’ve worked a long time for this. His mother and I both made a lot of sacrifices because we saw greatness in our son. Now, we’re here and all that hardwork has paid off. God has truly blessed us.”

 

There was some initial skepticism when the story first broke. The janitors, who have cleaned puke from the elevator in Pennypacker 42 times in the first week (5 short of last year’s record), were shocked when this time the mess was due to a legitimate stomach condition.

 

“I was skeptical at first when the RA told me the student who threw up was not drunk. But when I saw the vomit splattered in the elevator, all my doubts vanished. I’ve been a janitor for 30 years and I know drunk barf when I see it. The texture wasn’t liquid enough, the splatter was too spaced out, and it smelled like stale mac and cheese not raspberry vodka and Uncle Chen’s. These are all telltale signs of a 24-hour stomach flu,” stated puke expert and longtime janitor Dr. Evan Fitzpatrick.

 

While overnight fame of this magnitude can be overwhelming to some, James appears to be dealing with it well. He’s staying focused on his classes and committed to his girlfriend back home.

 

“Sure it’s easy to let the fame go to your head. I mean everywhere I turn people are asking me for autographs and pictures. Girls are asking me to sign their puke-stained shirts and giving me their numbers left and right. But I was raised right and I have a good head on my shoulders. I won’t let the fame get in the way of my studies or my friends.”

 

We tried to get James to disclose some of the details of his phone call with President Barrack Obama, but he preferred to keep that between him and “Barry.”

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