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Sexiling 101: A Step By Step Guide

 

It has happened again. You come home after a fun night out with your friends at Peter’s, only to find that dreaded sock on the door. As surprising as it is that your roommate is getting laid, it is actually happening, and you need to figure something out for your sad, lonely, drunk self. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep has created this handy guide on what to do and where to go if you find yourself ~sexiled~.

 

Step 1: Consult Your Friends

This is the clear first step. If you are lucky, one of your pals may have an empty bed, couch, or floor for you to crash on for the night. There are problems with this seemingly simple solution, however. Often times your friends have hookups and booty calls of their own to tend to, and cannot offer you that safe space for sleeping, or they are so drunk themselves that they have already passed out in the time you departed from one another. If that is the case, try hitting up one of your sober friends. Hopefully they’ll be awake doing homework (dorks), but they may be asleep, because “bitch I have work tomorrow, why are you calling me!?”

 

Step 2: Beg Your Neighbors

If you are totally desperate for a place to lay your head, just start knocking on all of the doors on your floor. A good way to make sure people answer is to shout “RA on duty!” or “Police! Open up now!” Once they answer the door, beg and plead for a blanket and pillow. Who knows, if they say yes, this impromptu slumber party could result in some new best friends for life.

 

Step 3: Call Your Hookup

Since your friends and neighbors couldn’t give you a place to stay, it is now time to get desperate and do some things you do not want to do. All it takes is a little begging and vague sexual promises, and you’re in. Once you are all cozy in their bed, ask them to go get you a glass of water. While they are in the kitchen, turn off all the lights and immediately fall asleep. This plan will work almost always because, let’s face it, all college kids want is to get laid. That is what got you into this mess in the first place.

 

Step 4: Barge In

If all of these plans fail you, it is time to man up and reclaim your territory. Go up to your door, yank the sock off the knob, give a very loud warning knock, and let yourself in. After all, you pay for this room too. If your roommate is angry with you, just ignore them. Or ask to join in. Whatever you’re into.

 

Hopefully the next time you are left stranded in the grips of your roommate doing the deed, you can find the strength and power to overcome temporary homelessness. Godspeed, and good luck in your journeys as a dormitory refugee.

 

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