February 14th, the day when couples finally have the excuse to be super-lovey and super-horny all day long. As a single person, one usually spends the day eating cheap, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate while watching reruns of horrible Lifetime movies and crying into a tub of Half-Baked ice cream. Well, this year is going to be a little different. Behold, The Black Sheep’s guide to enjoying the single life, even on Valentine’s Day.
Dinner: Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t go out and enjoy yourself. In the first step of this guide, you should take yourself out to a fancy dinner for once. Now, there are one of two ways to go about this. Either look desperate and upset, faking that someone stood you up, and earn a sympathetic free dessert from your waiter. Or, you can find the most nauseating couple in the restaurant, pull up a chair and mooch off their food before dumping a pitcher of water on them for yelling at you to leave (whichever helps satisfy your passive-aggressive tendencies).
Steal their (wo)man: From here, why not treat yourself to a night out? Locate the nearest couple with the hottest person of your choice, and break in on that action. Walk right in-between them, grab her hand, and skip on your merry way. This new dame (we can still say “dame,” right?) will surely love your crazy, dominating personality, dumping her boyfriend on the spot, for you. It’s better than being catfished on Tinder or becoming desperate enough to try and find a mate on Yik Yak.
Ruin other people’s good times: Head down to Rosa Parks Circle and trip the lovely couples while they ice-skate. Nothing helps relieve the bitterness of the single life (and celebrate Black History Month—go Rosa!) like a good faceplant on the ice. Or, if you’re hungry, steal other peoples’ chocolate hearts. To pick your victim, stake out the Standale Meijer and wait for a desperate man to start digging through the almost-dead roses. Then, follow him home and reap the benefits. As he goes to pick up his lady jump in the back seat of his car and go to town on that candy. The fun only ends when your victim’s lady finds you laying in the backseat of his car, eating her chocolate-covered strawberries. You totally won’t get violently beaten for this, don’t you worry.
Get drunk, get action: You could also spend the day getting drunk as hell. Start with Kahlua in your coffee at nine in the morning, and work your way through your contacts, asking every eligible person for a one-night stand. You’ll end up with a killer singles’ party back at your place… or a totally awkward orgy that your drunken alter ego started. Either way, it’s a surefire way to enjoy Valentine’s Day.
Whether you’ve just been dumped, or have been bitterly hating Valentine’s Day since you exited the womb (mostly because your parents have never stopped informing you of how great your conception on Valentine’s Day was), spending the day by yourself no longer has to be the only option. Get out there, ruin lives, get laid like everyone else, and pretend none of it happened the next day. It’s just another stupid holiday, so why not start making some irrational, slightly dangerous traditions?