Reports show that Dylan Wilker has secured his position as Coolest Guy at the Party by leaving out the back door to smoke an e-cigarette.
“The way he had carried this large electronic device that he brought all the way from his house so he could vape outside of a party is just the coolest thing I can imagine,” said party goer Sarah Hirshberg. “I was just smoking outside with a regular cigarette like a stupid idiot, but then this guy shows up with his Robocop-style nicotine-pumping machine and completely crushes it as the coolest guy in the whole circle,” she added.
House resident Jackie Ferrera said, “The moment he rolled up to my house on his hoverboard, I was like ‘Uh-oh, cool guy alert. I hope there aren’t any other cool guys here, because this guy is gonna knock you off your feet with his unlaced Timberlands and weed socks.’”
Surveys collected by a group of girls peeing in the shower upstairs revealed that Wilker had beat by a wide margin both “inappropriately playing acoustic guitar at the party” man, as well as Mr. “drinking the craft beers I brought for myself on the back porch,” and had defeated by a wide margin Sir “uncomfortably introducing every girl at the party to my shy friend.”
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Other less-cool guys looked up to Wilker for inspiration. “The way he especially offered ‘all the ladies’ to face him in beer pong lets me know he’s a true gentleman,” said sophomore Tevon Haynes. “I should be more like him.”
“Then when me and my friends were leaving, he yelled at us ‘Hey pretty ladies, where are you going?’” Hirshberg added. “That’s when I knew he was the coolest guy I had ever met. By yelling vaguely sexual comments to a group of people who were unlikely to respond, he just exuded so much confidence and personality.”
“And that bucket hat,” Hirshberg added. “So cool.”