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The 4 Ways to Rage Right

Waking up the morning after the first rager you host is all that it’s hopped up to be. You take that somber walk down the hall, into the bathroom where you take the longest shower of your life, reflecting upon the past night’s happenings. How you threw up out of a window, and how it managed to cover your neighbor’s car. But hey, you asked for it. You decided to throw a party.


Here’s what you need to do before you take on the burden of hosting a rager…


1.) Don’t drink an entire bag of Franzia in under 2 hours:
“It’s mah aparma n I cun do whaeva the fuck I wun do, ya fish,” is not a viable response to your concerned roommate when she says, “ya real gon drink tha? Haha u craazyy.” Both of you are not competent human beings and should not be allowed to make life-altering decisions like drinking 5 liters of arsenic-laced wine or accepting a request to join the “Chicago Students for Lindsey Graham” group on Facebook. There is just no happy end for you or anyone in a 10-foot perimeter of your drunken self. Pacing is key. You’ll pass out at 3a.m. rather than 11:00p.m., you’ll wake up less hungover, and you’ll spare yourself the embarrassment of waking up in a your neighbor’s dog’s bed wearing only rain boots.


2.) Hide any object that could be used to invoke physical, emotional, or theoretical damage to yourself and others:
This includes box cutters, scissors, Swiffers, the tape, your friend Vanessa, lighters, and your Leatherman. Do yourself the favor of sparing people from being cut, lit on fire (because apparently you do that now), and inappropriately using the Swiffer wet jet. Granted taking the cleaning stuff out of the bottle and replacing it with Fireball is an ingenious maneuver, however, you will forget that you did that and proceed to cover your floors in more alcohol next time you clean (probably never).


3.) Be sure to invite your friends who DON’T KNOW WHEN TO STOP:
You need to have a failsafe. You need to have that one person, or crowd, who you can compare your horrible behavior to the following morning. “Yeah I did end up heckling that family from the balcony and that little boy did cry, but at least I didn’t have sex with Victor A., from Postmates, in the pantry, amiright Ellen?… Ellen!… Oh, she should definitely get tested. C’mon, let’s go wake them up.” You need to have someone at your party who’s bound to do something completely incredulous, which will overshadow your mistakes. It’s like a “Get out of Jail, Free” card; now you can pass Go and collect $200.


4.) Invite a trustworthy, sober friend:
Sober friends are a must at a rager. They serve as the babysitter. Someone needs to make sure that you don’t pass out in a stairwell or take another person’s Uber to Edgewater. You’re gonna need that one blessed soul to escort you to your room, tuck you in, and turn you onto your side so you don’t asphyxiate in your sleep. (Thanks, mom!)


Now, if you follow these guidelines, you’ll be able to throw a rager that makes picking up the pieces easier and minimize your chances of having to buy a new Swiffer.

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