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The 8 Rules that Every Miami Student Breaks

If every Miami student was locked up for breaking a law, we could find somewhere to finally park around here, find a booth to sit in Armstrong, and see the light of the front of the line at Chipolte. Why? Because literally everyone here is a rule-breaking rebel. Here are a few examples of the criminal acts committed on the daily here without the blink of an eye.


We live by the mantra, “pedestrians have the right of way,” even if it’s a walker versus ambulance situation The moment you get behind the wheel, you hate everyone on two legs. Likewise, all walkers hate everything on wheels — that includes you, you filthy hipster bikers! Our slogan might as well be, “Ayyy! I’m walkin’ heah!!”


Underage drinking:
Isn’t it odd that half of the student population should be under 21, yet all of our I.D.s testify we are 22 year old out-of-staters? Huh, peculiar…


Public urination:
You would think we don’t have toilets here. Especially at night time. Do drunk people think bathrooms have hours of operation?


Turtle heads:
On our tours as mere seniors in high school, they urged us to rub the turtles’ heads on the sundial for good luck. Unfortunately those naïve little children were unaware of the common misdemeanor mentioned above… There has definitely been spotted a prospective freshman kissing a turtle for good luck. To you young lady, you might want to get tested for… well everything. Those turtles are a pretty well-known piss target.


Seal in Armstrong:
Those poor tour groups. We ALL know that the REAL seal is essentially a portal to hell — don’t touch it. Seriously. But to think incoming freshmen believe we don’t walk on the seal in Armstong with footprints always embedded on the glass… nice try struggling to get that one going Miami. Nice try.


“Miami is a… uhhh… skunk habitat. We have a lot of skunks in Oxford,” the tour guides tell incoming freshmen. But they’re not so naïve, it’s no skunk sanctuary, just a stoner sanctuary.


Legend has it that Miami charges students about $500 a year for stolen goods. It’s a crime so heinous we’re all basically fined before even committing it. It’s like being fined for speeding before you getting your driving permit. Only this time we get the fine back in silverware… ALL THE SILVERWARE MUAHAHAHAH!!!


Reading for class:
“Did we have anything due for class today?” “Just the reading.” “Is there going to be a quiz?” “No.” “Oh sweet! No homework then!” It’s sad to think we purchase such expensive books to sell them back to the bookstore for mere pennies. Who’s committing the real crime here? The students or the textbook companies?? HMM? *taps finger to nose*


In every sense of the word. From a guy checking out a hot girl at the bar only to realize it’s his girlfriend to also having a wondering eye on our quizzes — cheaters are everywhere at Miami, you’ve got to cheat better than the rest to get ahead.


Adults are always reminding us to do whatever it takes to raise to the top… well at least that’s what they tell the business students (we’re talking about handjobs). In the end, no matter how many tickets you graduate with, the most important is the diploma, which will hopefully lead you making enough to afford buying silverware.

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