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The Black Sheep’s Declassified Fratlinburg Survival Guide

With this increasingly warm and sunny weather comes arguably the most anticipated time of the year – Frat Formal Season. Can’t you just smell the freshly spray-painted coolers now? Well yeah, it’s probably because there are like 10 of them fermenting outside of your window, but that’s beside the point. What’s a fraternity formal like, you ask? Take your average spring break, condense it all into 2 days, and sprinkle some majestic mountain scenery up in there. In short: it rocks. Whether you’re new to the game or a seasoned vet, make sure you take these pro tips along for the ride to the land of beer and questionable decisions.

 

Tip #1: Pack smart.
You may only be going away for 2 days, but this long weekend will feel a whole lot longer if you forget something important. On top of the generic packing list, make sure you bring lots of water (because you know, hydration), warm clothes in case your room is as cold as your date-from-last-year’s heart, and a towel so you don’t smell like nasty ass pool water the whole time. Bonus: The towel can also double as a blanket if your cabin gets evicted. Which brings us to our next McNugget of advice… 

 

Tip #2: Don’t. Get. Evicted.
If residents of your cabin were to, say, pee off of the balcony in front of a police officer, it’s probably not going to go over well. Actually it’s definitely not going to go well. Other things that’ll for sure get you kicked to the curb: playing Nicki Minaj so loud that one of the 7 year old kids next door asks what truffle butter is, throwing inanimate (or animate) objects out of windows, and basically anything involving public urination. Just in case we didn’t stress that one enough, don’t pee on/around/off of things in front of strangers.

 

Tip #3: Keep all of your stuff in one place.
There’s nothing worse than hearing “you have 15 minutes to pack up your stuff and get out” when you know your clothes are scattered to the high heavens and your iPhone charger has been MIA since Jimmy from the other cabin asked to borrow it yesterday. And even if you miraculously make it to Sunday without getting kicked out, your sad, hungover self is probably not going to remember that you left your favorite flask under the pool table. You know, the one with the little funnel attached to it? Yeah. You two had some good times together. But now it’s hidden away in some real estate agent’s office and will probably end up sitting in the back pocket of his 16-year-old son’s tuxedo pants on his way to the prom. All because you couldn’t keep your shit organized.

 

Tip #4: Expect snoring.
It’s a pretty universally known fact that drunk frat guys snore. Like a lot. If you’re stuck in a room full of them, you’ll be (not) blissfully falling asleep to surround-sound chainsaws. Step 1 is to just accept your fate. It’s going to happen. Maybe do some yoga or something to mentally prepare yourself. The 2nd is to snag some earplugs, or bring your headphones if you can sleep with them in. Really anything is better than suppressing the urge to smother the kid in the bunk below you with your Tempur-Pedic pillow all night. Not that I’d know what that’s like.

 

Tip #5: Be nice to your neighbors.
It’s like your mom used to say when you tried to swat at a bee: “If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you.” However, if you are bothering them, all it takes is a cell phone and an anonymous tip to put a wrench in your oh-so-meticulously planned agenda for the weekend. Hello, officer? There’s a 20 foot beer bong coming off our neighbor’s roof. Okay, great, see you in 5.

 

These incredible weekends with your best friends will become the stories you hold over each other’s heads as blackmail for the rest of your lives. So soak up the memories, and get dressed up to… well, you know the rest. 

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