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The Evolution of a Redbird’s New Year’s Resolution


“New year, new me!” We’ve all heard this before. The New Year is a time to celebrate and finally get your shit together. So many people make New Year’s Resolutions, whether it’s to lose weight, go to class more, or anything else, the same process applies.


Stage 1: Aggressive Optimism:




This is the most commonly talked about step. It occurs the last few weeks before January 1st, and continues strong for another two weeks. The people who join in the resolution fun seem to feel the need to tell everyone around them about their goals and how excited they are to “get back on track” with whatever the hell they’re yapping about. Who knows, most people stop listening after, “I can’t wait to get back into running,” or, “This time will be different. I can feel it.” Feel it? Feel what?? The only thing these people are gonna feel is how shitty they are once their New Year’s positivity wears off and all they’re left with is their stupid, out of shape, inadequate selves. No one wants to see a jolly Snapchat from you at 6 a.m. at the Rec center with the caption “the early bird gets the worm.” In two weeks you will be like the rest of us — sleeping in and skipping that geology class with Shield’s because fuck it. And then, the Rec will be left to the muscle heads once again, the way that nature intended.


Stage 2: On Again, Off Again:




By mid-January, the resolution people are getting tired. Second semester is in full swing, it’s cold as shit outside, and going to the Pub almost every night has become a thing again for most ISU students. So, it’s getting harder and harder to stay on track. When you drink hundreds of extra calories each night and stay out until 2 a.m. when you have an 8 a.m. the next morning, you can kiss your weight loss and good student goals goodbye. Those Long Island Ice-Tea’s from Mulligan’s are just calling your name, we understand. But resolution people are resilient. They are strong and they are determined. Ya drank a little too much? No biggie. Forgot to turn in some assignments to Reggienet? Not the end of the world. They think, we’ll just make up for it by working extra hard in the Rec or in class the next few days! On the other hand, boy is it hard to work extra hard when you’re so tired from drinking and partying late…it’s getting harder to keep resolutions.


Stage 3: Complete and Utter Failure:




It was going well…until it wasn’t. This is the final form of any New Year’s Resolution and it’s a sad sight to see. This usually happens around the end of January/beginning of February. It mostly comes in the form of an ex-resolution workout junkie laying on their couch with one hand down their pants and the other spraying a can of whipped cream directly into their mouth. New Year’s is over and the resolutions should be too.


So you decided to completely break your resolutions, head downtown, puke at Fat Jack’s, and then get some late night DP Dough to fill the emptiness. Don’t feel too ashamed though, it’s not like this was actually anything important. Everyone knows that New Year’s Resolutions are just an excuse to give yourself a short lived ego boost. Still don’t feel better? Think of it this way, you have the entire year to make any changes you wanna make! You definitely won’t though, but at least you have the option.



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