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The Miami University Guide to Irish Exit Excuses

“Why did you leave?”

“Where did you go?”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

 

If you were asked any of these questions, chances are you pulled an Irish Exit — the act of up-n-at-‘em-ing out of the bar without telling anyone. No one knows why it’s called an Irish Exit, but one thing’s for sure: sometimes, they’re absolutely necessary. Whether you’re at Brick Street or in class, sometimes you just have to get out of there.

 

The important thing is to have a good alibi. Luckily, The Black Sheep has come up with 5 infallible excuses for Miami Students to use whenever necessary.

 

5.) “I sensed a tuition hike and had to console my bank account before it was too late”:

Like porn on a lonely night, the number on our bank account is our friend. That number is fragile and we have to treat it delicately, or it will slip through our fingers. Everyone knows that Miami is expensive, and will definitely ask no further questions when you say that the $250 text book that you had to purchase gave you no choice but to duck under your desk and army crawl out the door. You had to sit down and have a “It’s not you, it’s BIO 115” talk with your PNC Virtual Wallet. No one likes to become a “zero” without an explanation.

 

4.) “Armstrong gave me food poisoning”:

Bodily functions are a part of the human experience, yet a societal taboo. This means no details or evidence required. Use this excuse and people will not only believe you (even if it happened precisely as you were getting your food on a date or when your professor announced a pop quiz), they might even salute you. After all, do we really know that’s chicken they’re putting in our stir-fry?

 

3.) Just wink and walk away:

Miami University’s student body has been consistently rated the most attractive in the country. So since you’ve got it, flaunt it. Stun the nosy friend or scorned almost-hookup with your mesmerizing good looks and render them speechless. They’ll know immediately that you simply had to respond to your duty as a Miami student to be incredibly good looking, and just could not do it in that setting. Extra points if you throw in a hair flip.

 

2.) “Someone was wearing the same outfit as me, and I literally couldn’t even”:

Everyone understands the basic need to feel special. Why should you stay at Broken while someone is stealing your white converse clad spotlight and destroying your sense of individuality? They’re basically bullying you and anyone can see that you clearly took the higher road by leaving instead of letting their inconsiderate shoe choice get you down. You even had the decency to not tell anyone so as to not start drama. You Go Glenn Coco.

 

1.) “Because I am Miami”:
Throw your hands into the air and say it with confidence to make them feel stupid for even questioning your actions in the first place. Love and Honor bitches.

 

As the old adage goes: when the going gets tough (awkward, boring, or too intoxicated), the tough get going. So Miamians, keep calm and have these in your back pocket for your next disappearing act.

 

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