A legend has recently surfaced that was written on an old piece of paper hidden behind a brick in the Cathedral of Learning. The workers installing the elevator time machines found it while working, and it appears to be a prophesy they found. They read it, then promptly shared it with The Black Sheep:
“One St. Patrick’s Day, it happened. It is told in the books of Pitt lore that the Chancellor was once many things, but most certainly, a leprechaun. On the second Day of St. Patrick that he is in office, he will be sitting at his desk and he shall suddenly become small and red-headed, wearing only green clothes. He will then run to the top of Cardiac Hill, gather his gold from his hiding place in a groundhog hole, and then leap to the top of the Cathedral of Learning and stay there at the end of a great rainbow.
“There will be another leprechaun that comes, one from Penn State. He has a silly name, Dr. Francis K. Achampong, and is chancellor of a silly college, Penn State main campus. He will try to steal the gold of the Pitt Chancellor, but his efforts will be in vain. The Penn State chancellor will try to scale Cathy, and he will reach the top. When The Pitt chancellor, guarding the gold asks him what the name of this building he just climbed is, Francis will answer that it is called the Tower of Ignorance.
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“This will anger the Pitt chancellor and he will leprechaun fight with the Penn State flunky. The Pitt chancellor will summon his ceremonial mace, used only at convocation, and smite the Penn State Chancellor. The leprechaun from Lucky Charms will also be there and fight on the side of Pitt. The Penn State chancellor will turn into a peregrine falcon and live at the top of Cathy. This is why a falcon appears at the top of Cathy every spring.”
We spoke to chancellor Gallagher about the strange tale. Given that his nickname is Paddy G, he has the surname of an Irish king, and does seem likely to secretly be a leprechaun it sounded questionably accurate. He said he actually did plan on the transformation, and had fashioned a Pitt-themed shillelagh in preparations of the battle.
“The Penn State chancellor has no idea that I’m basically already a leprechaun. His last name is of Ashanti origin. That means he’s not even in the IRA. I mean, what is he doing?”
We asked Paddy G about that Irish Republican Army comment, and he then knocked our correspondent out and shouted “FRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEDOMMM!” similar to what most people know as Mel Gibson’s performance in Braveheart. We tried to tell him that movie was actually about Scottish independence. We know not what Paddy G is or what he is doing right now, but to be certain, he will fight tomorrow to keep his Pitt gold (aka all of our tuition) safe from the evil Penn State leprechaun.