Parties: one of the only reasons you decided to go to college. Though they can make for some of the best memories of your life, they also have the potential to be the worst fucking thing that has ever happened to you… if the wrong people make it onto the guest list. The following is a list of people you never, ever want to see at your next crappy basement party. If you encounter any of them, it’s in your best interest to just leave and never return—trust us, it’s worth it.
10.) Freshmen: There is no greater blow to ones self-esteem than when you find out the person you’ve been flirting with all night lives in Witte. There is no way in hell you are going back there with them. Been there, done that—bye.
9.) That girl in the corner crying: This title is not limited to girls, despite the name. What are they even crying about? There are people to make out with, bumping music, and alcohol… sounds like a fun time to me. What do you even do with these people? Hug them and tell them everything is going to be okay? Give them a map and point them to the closest drunk food destination? WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
8.) The chronic Instagramers: These people go around asking everyone and their mother to take a picture. What’s even worse is that they ask you to take multiple pictures—a cute one, a silly one, and candid one. You’ll probably end up deleting the pictures in the morning because you look too ratchet, so save all of us the agony. No one wants to take a damn picture for you and your crew.
7.) The over-touchers: Keep your filthy hands to yourself, ya animal. Were you asked to touch a boob or caress someone’s junk? Probably not. At least buy a person dinner or a $2 Long Island before you cross that line. Second base has a time and a place—and it’s in private during your first sexual encounter in the 7th grade.
6.) The puker: Their friends don’t even want to help them at this point. Hurling chunks of the burger they ate for dinner is no way to get the party started. They can actually end the party. Everyone tends to leave after the awful stench of vomit assaults their nose.
5.) People in committed relationships: If they’re a chill couple who is capable of being fun even while committed, then they’re usually fine. But if they start trying to get in any sort of fight at all—about dancing too close to another girl, saying hello to a different guy, or anything of that irrational nature—them bitches needs to go home.
4.) People who confess their love for a hook-up buddy: Uh oh, they thought something serious could come from those 2:30 AM “what’s up” texts? Well this just got awkward… good luck tapping that tonight. They just became the girl crying the corner.
3.) The guy that keeps falling: It’s usually a domino effect. When one falls, it’s a chain reaction. They fall and they take everyone else down with you. Now undeserving strangers have unidentifiable liquids on their shirts and bruises on their legs/ego.
2.) Cops: That moment when someone yells “everyone get the fuck out” and you’re underage… well, now you have no party to go to and a hefty ticket. It can’t get much worse than that.
1.) Being sober: Take your judgmental sober self home. We drunks were loving on one another and are having a grand ol’ time until we felt the deathly glare of you and all your maturity. Either put a drink in your hand or go do some homework. Let the true Badgers party our asses off in peace. All we want to do is get wasted and have a grand ole time. Don’t ruin it. That is all we ask, we are simple creatures.