There is only one time in your life where it is perfectly acceptable to be drunk over half the time, and that time is college—within reason though, guys, no one’s really looking for death by alcohol poisoning. After graduation, life turns into a 9 to 5 desk job complete with co-workers talking about things you don’t care about and taxes you actually have no fucking idea how to file. Because of this, it’s of the utmost importance to take advantage of these sloppy years. How do you know if you’re severely dropping the ball on your college years and “turning down for what” a little too often? Symptoms of not turning up enough may include, but are certainly not limited to…
10.) You wake up without a hangover: You can stand up without feeling as though you’ve been punched in the stomach with a brick of nausea? You don’t have a headache so intense that it feels like your head is being repeatedly banged up against a wall? Did you even go out at all?
9.) You fully remember the night before: Being able to recall everything you drank and every conversation you had is a telling sign that you have not yet maximized the potential of your ability to get turnt—and besides, memory loss is all the rage. Take that extra shot and get to it!
8.) You didn’t get the drunchies: If you go out drinking without drunkenly spending a mini fortune on greasy, disgustingly delicious pizza for you and all your friends, you’re doing life wrong. Besides, everyone knows that eating processed food in the wee hours of the night is an extremely nutritious life choice.
7.) Your body doesn’t feel like it needs to be go into detox when the end of the weekend rolls around: If you feel hydrated, well rested, and academically accomplished after a weekend, you clearly need to take a step back and reprioritize your life choices. Who wants to feel alive, awake, alert, and enthusiastic? Hell nah, not in our house.
6.) You can’t mix your liquors without getting sick and/or you have a low alcohol tolerance: “I’m a lightweight!” Yeah? Tough. It’s very possible to build up your tolerance. You simply need to commit to procrastinating on schoolwork and being consistently a little hungover every Friday-Sunday. Easy as drinking apple pie. If you’ve been in college for at least a semester and your tolerance hasn’t risen exponentially, you may want to consider dropping out of school for a bit to focus on what’s most important in life. Because what will propel you towards success: BOOZE.
5.) You make plans to get up and do something productive after a night of drinking, and you actually get up and follow through with being productive 100% of the time: You either don’t go very hard or you’re a motherfucking sorcerer because… wow.
4.) You think that “feeling tired” is synonymous with “staying in”: People and science say that alcohol is a depressant, but everyone knows that alcohol possess magical powers that make your tiredness disappear after a few drinks. Getting “enough sleep” is a myth, and chronic sleep deprivation is actually the key to productivity. So get your tired ass up and take some shots.
3.) You think that “weeknights” are synonymous with “sober nights”: Who needs studying when you have great local deals like $1 margs at Diego’s every Tuesday? Some argue that your body needs at least one day to recover from binge drinking the previous weekend, but we all know that’s a joke and a half. Alcohol is excellent for the liver, so get #turnt every night of the week and reap the benefits.
2.) You don’t devote at least one morning/afternoon per week to dayging and/or drunching (day raging and/or drunk brunching): What do you think the mimosa was invented for? Drinking in broad daylight without judgment, obviously. If drinking during the day isn’t a mandatory part of your week…what are you even doing with your time? Schoolwork? Cleaning your apartment? Sleeping in? Drinking coffee that isn’t spiked with Baileys?!
1.) You didn’t dance and make a fool of yourself while shitfaced the night before: Your kickass dance moves didn’t make it into anyone’s Snapchat story? You didn’t have a sudden surge of confidence and attempt to teach everyone how to wop? You didn’t dance on a table? You need to raise the bar on turning up, and pronto.
But hey, seriously. Drink responsibly. We don’t want to see your names in the papers because of something we wrote!