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Top 10: Tallahassee Establishments That’ll Satisfy Your Drunchies

The start of the new semester is upon us, but fear not! Syllabus Week offers a perfect transition from summer to fall and we have the Top Ten Tallahassee eateries that will satisfy your inevitable drunchies.


10.) Publix (aka Club Pub):

After a noon kegger at the apartment, visit Publix and indulge in the infamous Pub Subs (chicken tenders, anybody?) while taking a gander at the god-like hunks that stroll the isles in their perfectly fitted Publix uniforms. If you’re really feeling that last Natty Light you could even try Publix’s Chinese buffet; guaranteed explosive diarrhea 4-6 hours after consumption. Hurts so good.


9.) Jimmy John’s:

Everybody likes the freaky fast delivery from the fellow working college student, and what makes those cold sandwiches even better? The inebriation from the vodka Red Bull and the high from knowing that it’s Syllabus Week and you’re drunk as a skunk instead of sober at Strozier. Extra points because it’s great hangover food.


8.) Voodoo Dog:

You’re drunk at Madison Social and you’ve given up on the summer bod, where to eat, where to eat? VOODOO DOG. Right down the road (seriously it’s not that far, just walk). Get a bacon wrapped hot dog so good it turns your self-proclaimed “vegetarian” friend into a meat-eating machine.


7.) Momo’s Pizza:

Drunchies + pizza the size of your head = PIZZA THE SIZE OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD. Momo’s offers the perfect food for your intoxication needs and beer if, Syllabus Week forbid, you start to sober up after eating your weight in pizza. They also have salads… but let’s be real, it’s the last week before you begin binge drinking coffee and have to change your permanent address to Strozier Library — get the damn pizza.


6.) Gordo’s:

“Ah hells yeah dude I could go for some Gordo’s, I’m in the mood for a chicken wrap. I’m just feeling kind of sick let me just thro—-” This is a direct quote after a shit ton of beers and aimlessly walking around Pensacola Street looking for a place to eat. Gordo’s is the place to go after a day of drinking and subsequent cravings for greasy Cuban cuisine.


5.) Potbelly’s “Mexican Bar” (or Pots, for anyone who isn’t a freshman):

After every happy hour you can expect to see a table full of Mexican food at the door. The seductive smell of stale taco shells and mystery meat draws you in as you exit the jungle that is Pots. You enter the line, you’ll bump into a fellow drunkard then both order the same thing after bonding for a full 30 seconds over the delicious tequila sunrise you both finished. After inhaling your taco, your drunchies have been satisfied and it’s been another successful Happy Hour at Pots.


4.) The Sweet Shop:

If you live on University Way, The Sweet Shop is a great place to grab a bagel with cream cheese or a Chicken Pesto Panini, especially after a round of illegal beer pong in the dorms. And don’t forget to ask for a marker to write drunken obscenities on the walls.


3.) Chipotle:

“Oh my God I love Chipotle, Chipotle is mah life.” The overweight ethnic child in that Vine clip captured the #whitegirl perfectly. If you identify as a Caucasian female or really any other race/ gender, you too probably have strong feelings towards Chipotle, and those same feelings intensify when intoxicated. Chipotle is there for you and your drunchies. If you can make it through the line, that is.


2.) McDonald’s:

The McDonald’s on Tennessee Street is notorious for its ratchetry seen both inside and outside the establishment. But when you’re drunk and craving a Big Mac, nothing will stop you from getting what you want. And it’s not all that bad, while you eat your food you get a killer view of the free show that stumbles in every night from The Strip. Sometimes you may even find yourself as the star of the show!


1.) Gumby’s Pizza:

This is the only time in your life you can no-holds-back dip 20” of greasy cheese and bread into ranch dressing then shove it down your gullet at 3a.m. And it’s amazing. We’ll take a massive Gumby’s Pokey Stix over sex any day.

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