ISU is pretty great, but it isn’t perfect. The Black Sheep knows what to do to make ISU the best it can be. So listen up board members, we’re about to school ya.
First off, fuck Einstein’s. Despite what they advertise, they really only have one flavor of coffee: burnt. If college kids are expected to over-pay for their coffee, shouldn’t it at least be good? And most importantly, trendy? Starbucks is the epitome of hip and cool. Who’s gonna want to come here once they find out we only have an Einstein’s? Do better, ISU. Be a Starbucks campus.
9). G-Spot Upgrade:
Other campuses are already jealous that we have something as great, and as well-named, as the G-Spot. So let’s kick it up a notch and upgrade this bitch. What’s better than a traveling stand that gives you free condoms and lube? A traveling stand that gives you free condoms, lube, AND sex toys.
8). Vodka Fountains:
College is hard. Everyone knows it. But here at The Black Sheep, we understand that the best way to alleviate the pain that comes with the sleepless nights and infinite stress of school is alcohol. If you’re having a rough day, just stop by a vodka fountain and suddenly you’ll feel just a little better. Plus, we’re sure most people are okay with their tuition dollars going toward this.
7). Working WiFi:
How many times have you been at the library, getting shit done, when all of a sudden, you’re kicked off the WiFi? Too many. Professors have no sympathy for any missed assignments either because they know that we’re usually all dirty liars that’ll do anything to get out of homework. So ISU, we beg of you, please fix the goddamn WiFi.
6). Underground Tunnel:
Winters here are hard. It feels like your fingers are gonna fall off, there’s ice everywhere, and you’re lucky if the wind doesn’t knock you down at least once. So, the obvious solution is an underground tunnel to every building on campus, the apartments closest to campus, and, of course, a few vital buildings off campus…like the Pub.
5). Dog Petting Zoo:
We’re pretty sure that no one would be opposed to this. What could be better than a corral set up in the middle of the quad, filled with dogs of every shape, size, and breed? Pure bliss.
4). Better ReggieNet:
Much like the WiFi, ReggieNet is also notorious for being a fuck up. In the midst of the many “upgrades” that the site has recently undergone, there have been numerous inconveniences like trouble registering, turning in assignments, and paying tuition/receiving refunds. Ya know, nothing too important.
3). Less Cops:
C’mon. Drinking is as natural to college students as use of excessive force is to a police officer. Instead of busting house parties and ruining some 18 year old’s day with a $250 ticket, just chill out, man. Chill out.
2). Automatic Flex Dollars:
For those lucky enough to enjoy Flex Dollars, this might not seem important to you. But, when you move out of the dorms, leave your meal plan behind, and are left to fend for yourself, life gets a whole lot harder. Groceries are expensive and who even has the time to cook? Flex Dollars for every student would make college that much better.
1). Big Ten Status:
Obviously, this is number one. Redbird football is going places and everyone knows it. The team has been good enough for a long time now and we’re due the recognition we deserve. God knows we’re better than U of I.