At some point everyone needs to get into that party that they weren’t invited to. You don’t need to bore us with logistics—we’ll just assume your life is a 90’s teen movie cliché and you need to be in attendance. Maybe you need to win back the girl of your dreams after standing her up when you had to visit your sick mom in the hospital. And now she’s about to fall in love with your arch-enemy after they kiss at midnight. Whatever the reason, here are the easiest ways to get in:
10.) Don’t Be a Freshman: See now, that’s your first problem—you’re a freshman. No one wants over-zealous freshmen at their party acting douchey until they inevitably go too hard and throw up on the porch by 10:00. Separate yourself from that 6B Sellery mob and try again next week.
9.) Be a Girl: Sorry boys, but it’s really that easy. Parties always need more girls and have way too many dudes. Your best bet as a guy is to dress up like a girl, get in, and then change in the bathroom.
8.) Bring a Bottle: “Dude! You can’t bring that Jack, those 40’s, or that 30 case of PBR in here, we are all way too drunk already,” said no doorman ever. Even Svedka or a six pack of Beer 30 should do the trick.
7.) Bring a Bottle and Be a Girl: On the off chance that a female is standing by the door, you’re going to need to bribe her. But get real, this never happens—don’t waste your money ladies. Cross-dressing guys, you should bring some booze.
6.) Say you know “Mike”: Or Tom. Or Matt. Everyone knows one, and odds are he’s there. The doorman’s intoxication level is directly correlated with the number of names you’ll be allowed to rattle off.
5.) Be Stoned and Act like You’re into Sharing: (You don’t really have to share.) Say things like blazing, ganja, and 420, and then follow it by giggling—anything that people who don’t actually smoke would say. Make sure to throw out some really generic Bob Marley lyrics too.
4.) Dress as Bucky: No true Badger would pass up the chance for Bucky to attend their party. The costumes has to be legit though—a ZooPal’s paper plate won’t cut it this time. You’ll have to sneak into a bedroom and ditch the costume also, don’t be surprised to find some transvestites in there.
3.) Better Yet, Dress as Abe Lincoln: Because honestly you’d probably let him into your party, right? “Four score and seven years ago, WE GOT SHIT FACED!”
2.) The Trojan Horse Trick: This tactic makes 2 assumptions: 1) you have friends, and 2) people love gifts. Your friends and you show up as a Trojan horse (or any group costume really. I’d recommend a Chinese Dragon—less ass-to-face positioning.) Then the host will drunkenly let you into his house, at which point you jump out and slaughter everyone. Or find the keg, either are viable options. (The Black Sheep does not endorse murder)
1.) Confidence is Key: “Wait! You don’t know who I am? Who the fuck are you, man? And who’s the dip-shit who put you on door duty?! I’m the only reason this party is even happening.” Act like he’s the idiot for not knowing you, y’know?
Or maybe you could just be nice and they’ll let you in… at which point you’ll stand in the corner uncomfortably. Because hey, you probably shouldn’t go to a party where you don’t actually know anyone.