Hey you! Yes, YOU! Are you a freshman? Do you like parties? Do you like girls? Are you constantly gripped with the crippling fear of winding up sad, alone, and unloved for the rest of your life? Do you like drinking beer with girls? Then The Black Sheep has just the 10-step how-to for you! In this eye-opening do-her-yourself, step-by-step guide, we will teach you how to woo dem hoes absolutely free of charge! Here’s how:
10.) Find a girl:
This step is very important. Once you are at the party, scan the room. If you’re at a good party, there will be girls. Choose one. She should look easy, but not too easy (to pick up.) You should choose a girl with which you are positive you will be able to succeed.
9.) Approach the girl:
After you’ve chosen a girl, walk toward her. This involves placing one foot in front of the other. Repeat until you are within shouting-into-her-ear-because-you’re-at-a-party-and-it’s-really-loud distance. Don’t worry! Smile. You’re doing great.
8.) Ask permission:
Before you pick up the lucky lady, introduce yourself. Ask her what her name is. Then politely inquire if you may pick her up. Some examples of how to ask include “May I sweep you off your feet?” or “Hey, can I pick you up?”
7.) Wait for a response:
If the girl says yes, then you may proceed to the next steps. If she says no or proceeds to give you a does-this-loser-think-he’s-being-funny look, do NOT try to pick her up. Find a different girl and repeat steps 2 through 4.
6.) Relocate to a spacious area:
The best place to pick a girl up is somewhere open, with lots of room. Perhaps the backyard or a less-populated room at the party house will do. Don’t forget to bring the girl with you when you relocate!
5.) Make sure she is prepared:
Look her directly in the eye and say these words: “I’m going to pick you up now.” Make sure that her drink has been placed where it will not spill and that she will not suffer any wardrobe malfunctions whilst being hoisted by you and your big strong arms.
4.) Gently, GENTLY, pick up the girl:
Hook one arm underneath her knees and the other around her waist. It is important to remember to lift with your legs in order to avoid serious back injury. Once you have a firm stance, your feet shoulder-width apart, slowly lift the girl.
3.) Do NOT struggle:
Try to avoid struggling and unstably shaking at this point in time, or else you will frighten the girl. Bad shit happens when you scare an airborne bitch. Proceed to smile and pose for pictures if necessary.
2.) Gently, GENTLY, let the girl back down:
Do not drop the girl. Let her down on both feet. Make sure she is able to stand up without your awesome assistance. If need be, reunite her with her drink.
1.) Get laid:
You just picked up a girl, now we assume that this is what happens next? We only know how to teach you to pick them up, not how to lay them. That’s a different set of steps entirely.