By midweek, we know you’re probably at that point where Sunday morning’s “I’m never gonna drink again,” Monday’s bloating from “Drinking way too much beer,” and Tuesday afternoon’s “How is my stomach still being torn apart from that liquor?” are plaguing your alcohol-related plans for the weekend. Instead of missing that first day back at classes from being to nauseated to dare traverse the hills and stairs of UNCC, we’ve come up with a few pieces of golden advice to get you from hungover to hanging out like a drinking pro*.
7.) Look at the new Atkins carpet:
Now cross your eyes. Congratulations, you have now regurgitated all of the alcohol you consumed last night while watching Netflix by yourself. You may want to use your newfound sobriety to run away in shame from the scene of your public puking and to contemplate your life choices- or marathon the next season of Dexter. Whatever floats your boat.
6.) Eat at Crown:
Get the shits. Faster acting than a laxative and more painful than passing a kidney stone the size of a baby raccoon, this is not one of the more pleasant hangover cures. It is, however, one of the most effective. While your body attempts to digest that cardboard covered grease the cafeteria labeled as pizza, it prepares to expel Crowns finest entrees — along with everything else you consumed within the last seventy two hours.
Just be sure not to accidentally eat something healthy while you’re there, as Crown has, on very rare occasions, been known to not suck some serious Niner ass. (Parent’s weekend. It’s during parent’s weekend.)
5.) Salsarita’s is perfect hangover food:
For those of you who don’t want to brave your way through the Crown shits. If you’re a hangover virgin be sure your burrito is chicken as to not upset your little lightweight stomach. But for those of us more experienced with drinking until the world goes blurry and you wake up in the bed of some dude you swore was hot last night- you can get the beef burrito. You can handle it.
4.) Stand in Line at Panda Express:
By the time you’ve made it through the line you’ll have slept off your hangover many years prior, so the hangover will be gone and you’ll be in your late 40’s. Be sure to make a few good stock investments when you first get in the line so that you can afford a nice midlife crisis car by the time you get your food. How about a bright tangerine Ford Focus, complete with the self-driving program and hover capabilities that come standard in the 2040’s? Sound good? Great!
3.) Hang out at The Den:
Their greasy, delicious food will actually make you feel a little better. However, they don’t open until 3p.m., so be sure to waste your day away like a real Niner!
2.) Drink More:
You can’t be hungover if you’re still drunk. It’s a lot like procrastinating the hangover, the same way you are that paper due Monday, but it’s a solid tactic. May we suggest sitting outside the union and taking a shot every time you here “Craver Road Walk Sign Is On” in that cool, robotic voice? You can work on that essay while you’re at it, because no one’s ever failed a class by doing all their homework drunk.
1.) Pick a fight with the geese:
If bad goes to worse. You can’t be hungover if you’re dead.
Now that your pounding headache is gone, you’re in a perfect position to get drunk again. We’re not saying this is a good idea, were just mentioning that that Fireball isn’t going to drink itself. Or you could actually get off your ass and do your homework…. So BYOB at Frank’s apartment tonight, yeah?
*Results may vary.