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Top Ten People You’ll Spend Spring Break With

 

Spring Break is around the corner and everyone and their room mate has plans. But as your last room mate who puked one too many times in the shower once said, “It’s not the destination that matters, it’s the journey and who you’re with.” A keen eye will know she got that quote wrong, but she’s right nonetheless. Spring Breaks aren’t made by the destination, but the people you surround yourself with. Here are some of those people.

 

10.) The Accidental Beach Bum:

You didn’t intent to spend your break with a shirtless old dude, but sometimes shit happens. The abundance of these types, just waiting to latch onto unwary college breakers, is the reason you have to be a little choosey when picking out a Spring Break location.

 

9.) The Frat Underling with a Pickup:

This option is for desperate ‘breakers only. The most that can be said for this dude is that at least you have a crew—but you might regret your desperation not to spend Spring Break solo when you’re trying to sleep in a pickup bed full of puke stains at 4 a.m. and nobody knows where you are.

 

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8.) Your Significant Other from Charleston:

Hey, Charleston is a great location, right? Nice town, lots of shallow, tourist-y things to do, a decent nightlife and great beaches: everything you could want in a Spring Break destination… Not so fast—you’ll end up spending way more time awkwardly playing cards with “Racist Aunt Beth” who “doesn’t know what she’s saying because of the meds” than you will on the beach.

 

7.) The Redneck with a Hunting Cabin:

When you heard “cabin,” you thought it might be a fun, outdoorsy, S’mores-eating, bonfire-and-beer type Spring Break. Unfortunately, you live in Clemson, SC, and you’re about to sit in a tree staking out deer for four hours at a time and learning what those enormous pockets in camo jackets are really for (hint: small dead creatures).

 

6.) Your Grandparents (at their beach condo):

There are plus sides to this: fewer rules than if you were with your parents, a free stay, plenty of aged booze. But there are downsides too: getting introduced to the entire condo complex, no internet, and the stench of old people. Old people, you guys.

 

5.) Your Room Mate (with a beach condo):

You’ll probably end up in Hilton Head, but hey, maybe you’ll be lucky and they’ll have a place on the Outer Banks! Seeing as you already live together there won’t be too many surprises, besides the one where their family belongs to a cult that hides de-feathered dove carcasses under the porch to keep the pirate spirits away.

 

4.) The Sporty One:

We all know that sexy Lake Hartwell warrior, rowing or sailing or whatever the hell they do out there. You’re sure to end up shirtless, sunburnt, windburnt, and sweating enough to make your own ocean, but it’ll be a break to remember (we’re talking about the break in your foot after a lift-the-keg contest).

 

3.) The Floridian:

You’ve basically struck gold if you manage to find a friend with a place to stay in Florida, because hotels will be crazy here. Everyone who’s anyone has to spend at least one Spring Break in Florida, so it might as well be this year. Beware—the locals here will be madder than an old lady getting her groceries meth on a Friday to see college kids around.

 

2.) The Northerner with a Ski Cabin:

This is one way to avoid all the same old idiots you hang out with in Clemson—head out to Colorado and bust your butt learning a new talent, albeit with uppity northerners and their “fresh pow, bruh.”

 

1.) The Californian:

Did we say “gold” to Florida? Scratch that—though difficult to spot, the Californians of Clemson become everyone’s BFF as Spring Break approaches. Find them and infiltrate their Spring Break plans, no matter how awkward it is.

 

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