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UIUC Students Mysteriously Become Sick After Announcements of Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Coming to Champaign


The Champaign-Urbana area is getting not one, but two, medical marijuana dispensaries in 2016, the first one opening sometime in March. Located in a sketchy office complex on South Neil Street will be the 2,000-square-foot Phoenix Botanicals.


“The dispensary is right across the street from a Taco Bell,” sophomore Shane Brookings said. “Can’t wait to smoke a blunt in a car and head over to the Bell for some Doritos Locos Tacos.”


There’s still some confusion among students about how a medical marijuana dispensary works. In Illinois, a person must have one of the 39 approved conditions to qualify for that dank kush, as well as not have a felony record.


“Shit, is that true?” Shane asked The Black Sheep.


To help members of the Champaign-Urbana community get weed once Phoenix Botanicals opens, the Medical Cannabis Outreach will provide free patient registrations and seminars.     


In advance of registration, many UIUC students are already working towards clearing their criminal records and trying to qualify for one of the 39 approved conditions.


Junior Byron Johnson is attempting to qualify for post-traumatic stress disorder in order to get some grass.


“Finals last semester scarred me for life,” Johnson said. “Every time I have to take a test – a blood test, a personality test, whatever – I get stressed. I need weed.”


It’s not just Johnson looking for ways to cheat the system. Sorority girl Jenna Suarez claims that her late nights by the strobe lights at KAM’S and White Ho cause her now to have seizures, another qualifying condition.


“Like, I have to go out and party because I’m in a sorority,” Suarez said. “But I spend so much time around the strobe lights at the bars that I have seizures on the daily. They make me so upset and stressed out that I now I do things like comment mean things on people’s posts in Facebook groups.”


Senior Tom Fisher is claiming he has post-concussion symptom from his time on the football team.


“I’ve never played a down of football in my life,” said Fisher. “But I don’t think many of the guys on the team have either, so I’m sure my ’condition’ should be realistic enough to get me some hash.”


Freshman Ronny Goodman is choosing one of the most common qualifying diseases in order to get his medicinal marijuana card: irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).


“I may not actually have IBS,” Goodman said. “But, I have IBS.”


“Bruh, sometimes I have diarrhea,” Goodman continued, “sometimes I have constipation. Sometimes I have gas, sometimes I feel bloated. Dr. Cohen may not say I have IBS, but I’m damn sure I have IBS.”


No prescriptions will be issued until a candidate attends a seminar and complete the registration papers. The first seminar is January 23 at the Danville Public Library from 2:00 p.m.- 3:00 p.m..


“I’ll think of something by then,” sophomore Shane Brookings assured The Black Sheep. “Papa only goes to Taco Bell when he’s got the munchies.”


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