Oh gosh! It’s time! For! It! The best, most incredible week of the year — your birthday, wedding day, birth of your first child, and anniversary of the first time you dreamt you died and then woke up in a cold sweat, suddenly aware of the ever encroaching slide into oblivion-all rolled into one!
It’s finals week, where you get to demonstrate all you’ve incrementally learned, from the chapters you read weeks in advance to the essays that you turned in before they were even assigned. You must be ALL KINDS of excited to show off to the teacher, you smartypants smarty mcfart shithead peace of shit, but before you head off to the races, you oughta celebrate this weeklong dance around the ivory tower with a drinking game! After all, you have time to do that, since you’ve been studying all semester. Right?
TAKE ONE DRINK IF:
– Your grade in a required core class that you don’t care about is, much like Death Valley, currently below “c” level.
– You have gone up to the second floor of Willis, looked around for a second, said “fuck this,” and gone to the basement.
– You’ve watched an entire season of a show on Netflix within the last week.
– There is an essay test that you are pretty sure was sent directly from Hell to torment you.
– The stalls in the library bathroom are out of toilet paper.
– You’ve bubbled in five b’s in a row and are questioning them and your self-worth.
– You have thought extensively about wine.
TAKE TWO DRINKS IF:
– You have called a parent or guardian asking them to tell you that you will be okay.
– Your cumulative hours of sleep for the week is less than 20.
– You accidentally sang a sad Drake song while getting ready because finals week has left your feelings a mess, just a goddamned mess.
– You drank before an exam.
– You audibly whimpered looking at a question.
– The amount of times you’ve looked at the syllabus is less than five.
– You’ve gone to the bathroom in the library not to use it, but just to look at yourself in the mirror to make sure you still exist.
FINISH YOUR DRINK IF:
– You have thought about switching majors.
– You have felt like you were in an Adele music video at least once.
– You have walked out of an exam and texted your friend who also took it, saying “how do you think you did?” and hoped that they also think they did terribly.
– You felt the exact moment when your soul escaped your body.
– You realized you would genuinely kill a man to sleep more than three hours.
– You have prayed to all kinds of deities that you then ignore the rest of the year.
Look at that, now that you’re done with finals, relax! Take a load off! Drag your exhausted heap of flesh that you once called a person down to Fry, bring this list with you, and drown your sorrows like your name’s Atlantis.