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VCU Alert Account Compromised By Drunk Partygoer

TUES, SEPT 1: VCU issued an apology to students and professors who signed up to receive alert text messages after the VCU Alert account was compromised by a drunk female partygoer between the hours of 12:30 a.m to 4:27 a.m. The texts sent out during that time included extremely vulgar and uncomfortably personal messages such as:

 

“FR:VCU ALERT SUBJ: YOOO Trisha!!! This party is totes turnt up bae, you better bring that good green, that ninja turtle! I’m tryna hit up IHOP and go ham egg and cheese!”

 

“FR:VCU ALERT SUBJ: Hey Trish gurl! Im fo real bout to dipset, Nate’s spot is out of jungle juice fucc that Kendrick Lamar voice”

 

“FR:VCU ALERT SUBJ: Hey dad, FUCK bruh I’m so drunk and I’m somebody now! You didn’t come to my piano recital, so maybe you’ll pay me some damn attention when I play this dude’s-”

 

The Black Sheep interviewed several enraged text recipients about the incident.

 

“I signed up for this stupid alert system to get texts about loud ass-siren tests, boring police training exercises, and muggings that are nowhere near where I live. Not the precursor to some idiot’s night in jail. It brings up WAY too many bad memories,” Charlie Buckle told us.

 

We then interviewed a junior, Samuel Struthers, who gave a very different take on the text debacle:

 

“Hey man, someone needed to let everyone know that that boy Nate was out of jungle juice, I told that fool to just get the Economy Pack of Kool-Aid, but he wanted to be all cheap and shit. I mean, he asked me for the extra scratch, but you know I don’t get paid until Friday so…yeah. But for real though, who is Trisha, and where the hell can I get some of that ninja turtle? I’m tryna get shell shocked!

 

After an exhausting day interviewing a whopping six students, the consensus on campus is that the text messages were more humorous than anything else, much like most of the regular VCU Alerts.

 

As for the reason to why the account was compromised, apparently the man in charge of the VCU Alert account was at Jorge’s Cantina and accidentally grabbed the woman’s phone as he left for the night. He also did not leave a tip.

 

In the mix-up, the drunk partygoer got the VCU Alert phone, and the account manager grabbed the prototype for the brand new iPhone 6. In related news, a very high up Apple employee has been fired. It is reported that her father is very disappointed in her.

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