Ahh, alcohol, a college student’s dearest friend and worst enemy. There are so many things to be said about that sweet poison, but The Black Sheep doesn’t care about the science behind most of it. Instead, let us explain to you another plight of the college student: why am I still single? Whether mumbled into a sorority girl’s fifth mimosa at brunch, or bellowed after a guy does anything slightly impressive, you can hear it’s echo throughout all of South Oakland. Just like this go-to question, we all have a go-to alcohol, and where the two overlap, you get this article.
You’re either a frat boy, or someone who spends a lot of time at frats. You’re still single because you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. That’s not exactly a problem, because you’re probably not in a place to start dating anyway. The people you spend time with are probably more into hooking up than settling down, and c’mon, everyone knows beer breath isn’t the best to woo suitors with.
Okay, straight talk: you’re an idealist who just can’t wait to be a graduate/law student in New York/Seattle/DC with a small but stylish apartment. You’re single because whether you can admit it to yourself or not, you’re tired of college boys already. You yearn for something a little nicer, a little more grown up – but for now you’ll settle for your main man André.
The go-to choice of drunk students everywhere, vodka drinkers are single because they haven’t refined their tastes enough. They don’t know exactly what they want out of a relationship, and so they can’t find the perfect boo thang for them. Vodka drinkers who prefer something else but pick vodka because it’s cheap are different, because they are single because they’re too cheap to pay for a date so settle for a hookup instead.
Simply put, you are too damn crazy for a relationship. If you really pick tequila as you go-to alcohol, you’re going to be single until you stop dancing on tables every weekend.
You’re single because you’re intimidating. You might not intend to be, but being a whiskey drinker makes you mysterious, and it makes you seem a little more like a real adult. Champagne drinkers will love you, though.
Alright, we know Fireball is technically a whiskey, but the two drinkers are single for much different reasons. Fireball drinkers, you’re single because you want to be. You’re in the prime of your single-dom, and you don’t need to be held down by someone right now. You’d rather die of the intense heartburn that comes from only drinking Fireball than start dating.