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You Are What You Drink: Wisconsin Edition

You don’t think you’re being judged for ordering a screwdriver at the bar or proudly stating that a gin and tonic is your “signature drink?” THINK AGAIN, KIDS. It’s no secret that what you drink while at the bars says a lot about you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re at the hipster attraction that is Plaza Bar or jersey chasing central, more commonly known as the Kollege Klub, when people see what you’re drinking they’re absolutely making these assumptions about your drink:


Mixed Drinks
Screwdriver: YOU ARE UNDERAGE. Or drinking in the morning… and if this is the case we suggest you try a Bloody Mary, see below.


Whiskey Sour: You’re fun, foxy, and looking to brown-out tonight. You don’t mess around with weak drinks or shitty booze. It’s clear you know what you’re doing at the bar.


Martini: You either are a recent college grad who just got a new, high paying job and are looking to show off how “adult” you are now or you actually enjoy vermouth; in which case we must ask, are you actually human? Either way, you are extremely refined, or at least giving off that appearance. Unless, of course, it’s a Carmel Apple-tini… that completely counteracts any sophistication previously assumed by your beverage.


Bloody Mary: You are definitely looking to drink away a hangover. You are a champ. You would probably make a great drinking buddy and/or friend. You turn down for nothing, and that’s pretty damn respectable.


Gin and Tonic: Ordering your mom’s favorite drink, we see? Seriously, all moms love gin and tonics. You’re trying to be hardcore and appear cool, but at the end of the day you still like girly drinks and you’re probably at least ten percent biddy. 


Tequila: You either love dancing on tables, taking your clothes off, or acting like a whore/man-whore and not being able to remember it the next day. You’re wild in the best way and filled with no regret about the questionable life choices you make every Thursday-Saturday night.


Whiskey: You hard-ass, classy motherfucker, you. You’ve been drinking for a while and are educated about your liquors. You have at least semi-refined tastes and are probably going into some sort of business-related field. Shit, you might even be a dad, because we haven’t seen many other specimens besides dads that can take a shot of whiskey without blinking an eye.


Vodka: You’re probably an 18 to 20-year-old girl or guy made of weak sauce. You give off basic vibes, but you’re probably still pretty cool despite your overly typical alcohol choice. You know of other alcohols, but haven’t really found the one that’s right for you. Unless you’re drinking top shelf vodka, in which case you know your shit and we take back everything we said.


Rumplemintz (or any peppermint schnapps): You love the taste of mouthwash apparently… But on the plus, you enjoy mint, which is synonymous with good breath and good hygiene, which only gives you that much more justification to make out with everyone and everything at that bar.


Kamikaze: Sure, it’s a vodka drink, but there’s triple sec and lime juice in there—shakers were involved for this shit and that is something to feel classy about. You’re out of the ordinary, a standout, and you have excellent taste in alcohol and probably everything in general.


Bomb Shots of Any Kind: Do you have a good job? Are you a successful student? Are you intelligent? It’s impossible to know. All that’s known is that you are looking to get fucked up and that’s all that really matters to you for the night. We look forward to seeing where you wake up the next morning—we hope it’s in a public park. 


Moscato: Since moscato is essentially an adult version of a juicebox, it’s safe to assume you have a sweet tooth, enjoy feeling classy, and know close to nothing about wine at all. But, it’s clear you’re trying to learn, and that’s adorable.


Red: You’re refined, somewhat mature, and you have an appreciation for the finer things in life. You enjoy intellectual conversation just as much as drunkenly dancing like a maniac when “your song” comes on at the bar. You’re the perfect combination of turn up and grown up. 


White: You’re a fun person with at least some knowledge of alcohol. You’re not as uptight as a typical red wine drinker, but you are still a bit reserved. After all, you are drinking wine at a bar when there are hundreds of other more intense and creative things you could choose to drink.


Whether it’s an ale or an IPA, you’re awesome. This is Wisconsin, so if you’re drinking beer, you’re probably the baddest bitch in that bar and you know how to have a good time. You’re basically the best. 

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