It’s that magical time of year again- when luxurious beards start sprouting like daisies while scissors and shaving cream burrow into the bathroom drawer to hibernate until spring. Yes, No Shave November is upon us. Over the course of the month, BC will witness scores of young gents vow to transmute patchy peach fuzz into magnificent facial carpeting. Will they succeed? Will they fail? Who knows! What’s important is that they bring us together, united in mockery of their awkward, pube-like fluffstaches.
This tradition presents different challenges for both men and women, so we’ve provided a guide for each. Starting with the ladies:
For The ~Ladies~:
5.) Prep your face guards to prevent facial scratching:
Hockey helmets, kabuki masks and turbans are all excellent options. Makeup can serve in a pinch, but be sure to apply layers at least 2 inches thick. Constant diligence keeps make-outs from becoming bleed-outs.
4.) Keep doing what you’re doing, waxing-wise:
That mustache is coming in nicely. That other stuff? Not so good.
3.) Not a fan of grooming facial hair?:
Not a problem! Mix it up in other areas- braided armpits and self-grown legwarmers guarantee you’ll stand out from Mary Ann’s to Faneuil Hall.
2.) Specify your preference for smooth-skinned men on your Tinder profile:
If your next date shows up with a face full of shaving cuts, you already know he’s a good listener- lock that down!!!
1.) Study local Newton gardens for creative ideas on how to trim your bush:
As we all know, the right touch down there can make an explosive impression. Animal patterns like cats or seahorses, tribal tattoos, an arrow pointing down to your honey pot (AKA the Silky Road)… Let your inner artist grow wild and free!
5.) Include the face in your upper-body workouts:
Spend at least 30 minutes every morning grimacing into the mirror, alternating between tightly locking the jaw and grinding the teeth. Keep up the routine and we guarantee toned, shapely follicle muscles in four weeks or less.
4.) Hide a picture of former president Rutherford B. Hayes (fig. below) under your pillow:
Maybe, just maybe, the Beard Fairy will come spruce up your face fuzz in the night. My God, look at that beast. It’s like Chuck Norris’ beard had a baby with Mount Olympus, and it was raised by all of ZZ Top.
3.) To maintain your willpower, incorporate your beard into everyday life:
Wear it as a scarf on cold mornings, play the strands like a folk-rock ukulele, and train it to stretch out and type on a keyboard so you don’t have to bend your back.
2.) A steady iron-rich diet makes each strand hard enough to shatter any scissor that dares test it:
This will keep your head in the game even if your friends and family ask/demand/beg you to stop. Remember, you’ll be the one laughing when the military is paying to weave your mighty chin forest into their bulletproof vests.
1.) Eat hair-shaped food to absorb its hirsute properties:
Instead of dry turkey this Thanksgiving, chow down on spaghetti, sea urchin, and delicious crunchy pine needles.
Most crucially, have fun and remember – if you decide to step away and avoid participating altogether, that’s fine too. There’s a million BC-specific traditions out there that make just as little sense. One of them must your name on it!
If beer is sold in packages of 30, are you not supposed to drink it all?