Imagine that instead of watching the free world sway between tedium and noxious hatred, we got to watch a safe, comfortable old white man grapple with the reins of power… like a normal election year. Good news folks! You’re still free to imagine just that. 2016 may have taken our dignity, sanity, and collective will to live, but it cannot take our fantasies. Join us in imagining what might happen if the venerable Father Leahy became president of not just BC, but of America itself. Here are six changes Papa Leahy would make if were to #MAGA.
7.) Make America Godly Again:
President Leahy would turn back the tide of secularism, freeing public schoolchildren to recite all the psalms their little minds can hold.
6.) Lawn Purge:
Everyone would live in a clean-cut suburban utopia with Father Leahy in charge, but once a year, Americans would be allowed to just go nuts on eachother…’s lawns. 364 days a year of keeping a perfect lawn can really pent up some rage, so one night a year people will just go tear the shit out of eachother’s lawns. Then, everything will return to normal.
5.) Reinstate prohibition:
The liquid devilspawn known as alcohol shall be cast aside, and we shall be free to gaze upon the splendor of God’s earth in horrifying, bare-knuckle sobriety.
4.) Ban the sale of condoms:
The cornerstone of Jesuit gender studies: if you’re going to have sex, you should at least take the time to make it as risky and potentially ruinous as possible.
3.) Exorcise Eleanor Roosevelt:
After trading her husband’s legs to the devil in exchange for political dominance, the First Lady was cursed to remain forever trapped in the halls of power. Wielding the might of prayer, President Leahy would finally expel this vengeful spirit from the White House.
2.) Replace the Secret Service with the Order of Agape Latte:
Following the example of the Pope’s Swiss Guard, this new breed of bodyguard will deter assassins with love, inspiration, and stupid outfits. The only downside would be the constant stream of guest speakers and alumni dogging the President’s heels at every turn.
1.) Release his debut rap “Jesuit don’t take no shit”:
With the support of millions behind him, Leahy may just muster the courage to unleash his alternative, neo-Christian electronica-punk-rap masterpiece on the nation’s airwaves. This groundbreaking effort will feature collaborations with other Catholic icons, including Iggy Lo-yo and the Fire Choir.
There’s still time to write in a candidate come November 8th, and Father Leahy is a worthwhile candidate who can lead this country in the right direction. An abstinent, sober utopia of well-kept lawns and neo-Christian electronica punk-rap.
Would Father Leahy ban shacking too? Yes. Yes he would: