Citing the ghastly machinations and excessive hellfire of the business school’s welcoming ceremony, BC sophomore Percival Johnson told sources that he felt “perturbed and a little gross” by the accursed rites that mark all who seek the dark wisdom of CSOM. “It was the strangest thing,” says Johnson. “One minute I’m sitting in the Dean’s office thinking about which core classes to take, the next someone stuffed a black bag over my head and a massive blocky bludgeon knocked my lights out. From the size of it, must’ve been an accounting textbook.” Johnson claims that when he awoke, “the shroud vanished and I found myself in a dank, torchlit cavern that seemed to stretch on for miles.”
According to this wretched soul, his initial reception was a bit unnerving. “Rows and rows of dark-suited figures surrounded me,” Johnson recounts. “It was an endless, pitch-black sea of perfectly groomed jackets and dress skirts, all staring hungrily at me like I was the Goldman Sachs table at a career fair.”
However, the new recruit was swiftly met by a Dark Acolyte (Meaghan Lambsworth, CSOM ’18) and led on a cheerful, descriptive tour of the school’s serpent holes, torture chambers and fully-equipped gym.
“The Temple of Damnation was spacious if a bit staid,” recalls Johnson, “but soon I had to perform the induction rituals that meant I would forever belong to CSOM.” Johnson was led to the Conversion Dome, where his first step was to shed a drop of his own blood at the feet of a 60-foot tall statue of J.P Morgan. This sacrifice to the Tainted Allfather is said to grant favor to those willing to rip off their own arms for a chance at comfy middle-management security.
“I know they said to ‘set the world aflame,’ but this isn’t quite what I had in mind,” admits Johnson, moments after lighting the ritual bonfire beneath a pillar of bound, screaming A&S infidels. “On the other hand, they say I’m almost guaranteed a paid postgrad internship.”
This hesitation toward the more infernal portions of the initiation continued until the final stage of the Vile Communion. Soon after exiting the Ring of Profane Synergy, Johnson said that he’d never felt better; indeed, he looked forward to discussing stocks and ad revenue with his fellow Kin of the Blood.
It’s homecoming season, so get ready for some old dudes to buy you some beer.