We’re but a week in and your GPA is already fucked for this semester, so trying is already not worth it. You may have also noticed that over break, you’ve fallen out of shape. You got complacent and at this rate there’s no way you’ll be able to perform come Marathon Monday, unless you start training now. With that, let’s breakdown five ways to train for Marathon Monday.
Oh, did you think we meant running? Sorry, we meant the actual marathon — drinking and screaming at the runners. For this, you’ve got to get up and get after it every single day. We recommend at least four to five light beers a day, this is going to help you up that tolerance and if you’re dropping three of those bad boys before noon like you ought to be it’ll help to curb that pesky hangover that only gets in the way of more boozing.
Drinking an entire rack of Natty light is very similar to running a marathon, it’s all about pacing. Anyone who starts off a 42 Kilometer (that’s right, we googled the metric distance, it’s called capital J Journalism) in a dead sprint is doomed to hit a wall at some point in the race, and the same goes for binge drinking before the sun is totally up. If you’re starting a training day with a coffee that’s 95% whiskey, you’re sprinting straight into a wall.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. You can’t expect to be putting up marathon like numbers in February, so slow down and give yourself time. The important thing is that you keep drinking and slowly upping your tolerance until you can put down enough Natty Light to kill a lesser person. No matter how much it hurts your GPA, friendships, relationship, and overall quality of life, you ought to be constantly drinking so you can be cool on one day a year. That’ll show em.
The importance of hydrating during the course of a marathon cannot be overstated. Thankfully the Boston Marathon considers the plight of the blossoming alcoholic and provides handy hydration stations throughout the course of the race. Be sure to utilize these free waters as you drunkenly stumble along the same 40 yards of the race before retreating back to your room to sleep at 2 p.m.
This isn’t meant to be fun:
The biggest mistake you can make going into this is that it’ll be fun and on the big day you and your friends will get a hella sick insta. The reality is, much like running 26.2 miles, drinking roughly 40 beers from 6 a.m. – 2 p.m. isn’t meant to be fun. Much like a marathon, there will be blood, sweat, some tears, dehydration, and severe exhaustion. Why do it? Same reason you’d run a marathon — to rub everyone else’s nose in it.
If you’re serious about your training, you’ll do the work now, so you don’t look like a Jabroni come Marathon Monday.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: