Boston College found itself caught in a delighted uproar this weekend as Lululemon announced their new product line for fall 2016: the “White Girl Wasted” collection featuring designs by Franzia and New Hong Kong Chinese food. The news was met with a chorus of head-splitting shrieks as a banner was unfurled directly in front of Walsh Hall, announcing that soon, trashed white girls could look just as smexxy as they felt.
“We arrived at this decision after extensive focus testing and field research,” said Lululemon chief designer Walter Waddlethorp. “We’ve always sought to give our customers exactly what they wanted. You want to spend ludicrous amounts of your parents’ money on workout gear? You got it. You want to look your best while dripping with sweat in BC Rec? Lululemon has you covered. Now we’ve pushed that promise beyond the dreams of the most utterly blasted floozies by merging with their second and third most beloved products.”
“The White Girl Wasted line is exactly what I always never knew I wanted!” gushed Tiffany Devereux (CSOM ’17). “Now when I’m drunkenly sprinting after a cab in a futile effort to rescue my bag from the back seat, I can do it in style. Plus it comes in all different shades of purplish-greenish brown, so you can’t see the vomit stains even if your bitch roommate doesn’t get you to a toilet in time. There’s Sunset Blaargh for the sluts who drank their dinner from a wine cooler, and General Tso Over It for the ones who stumbled back at 3 a.m. to eat their feelings!!! Thanks Lululemon!!!!!!!”
White Girl Wasted offers a wide range of products, including Boxed Wunder yoga pants and the All the Wrong Places sports bra (w/ built-in lo mein holder). Its patented loose-fitting SWUGpants feature hyper-elastic “finals week” waistbands and an inflatable cuddle pillow guaranteed to reduce loneliness-induced sobs by over 30%*. In keeping with company policy, all WGW gear will ship three sizes too small.
“The idea was so unexpected, yet perfectly in line with the natural flow of this business,” explained Thaddeus Guff (Lululemon marketing). “We create workout gear to help women feel like they should look better. That carefully honed insecurity leads to them chugging truckloads of Franzia, which in turn leads to a post-party binge of oil-slathered dildo chunks; sorry, I meant New Hong Kong. And then what do they want to do the next day? Drown out the shame via a workout. It’s a hot, messy, glorious cycle.”
“Basically, picture a massive three-headed dragon constantly puking into its other mouths and demanding worship. That’s the Lululemon business model in a nutshell!” Guff was unavailable for further comment, as realizing what he’d just said appeared to make him physically ill.
While countless basic bitches have flocked to this new trend, there are a few outstanding voices. “Not every woman at BC is a screeching, spoiled, judgmental attention whore,” asserted poli sci. and economics double major Abby Kushner (A&S ‘16). “Lots of girls confront pressure to drink and display their bodies like fruit at a breakfast bar, and feel shitty unless they maintain the body type of an anorexic Disney princess. We have to dig into the roots of these toxic stereotypes, and come together to change…” At this point, asserting such opinions led her peers to shun Abby so hard that she faded from existence itself.
*Lululemon products will not actually help you find love. Lululemon reminds you that its products cannot prevent you staring up at your ceiling wondering why all your friends have boyfriends.
Speaking of white girls, why are they so addicted to Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Let’s have a look: