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All the Masshole Pats Fans You’ll Find in Boston This Weekend

After this latest round of NFL playoff games we’re left with four teams standing: the Vikings, the Eagles, the Patriots, and the Jaguars. This has all the Massholes out in full effect, and the rest of Americans praying for anyone but the Pats. It has nothing to do with the constant winning, proven instances of cheating, or Tom Brady’s seeming immortality, but everything to do with how awful the Pats fans are to be around, and with that here are the 5 worst (actually in no particular order because they’re all unbearable) types of Masshole Pats fans.

The Tom Brady Fanboys:
Are you not aware of how many post season TDs Tom Brady has in his career? Do you know how many total rings Tom Brady has won? Do you know what Tom ate for breakfast this morning? No? Well have no fear because these insufferable Massholes will be sure to shout these facts in your face if you even suggest that Tom Brady isn’t the greatest QB of all time or that he’s getting progressively worse. They’ll be the first to ignore that his TD to INT ratio this December was 6:5 and simply shout back catchphrases like “One for the Thumb” or “G.O.A.T.”

The Victim Complex:
These are the Massholes who believe vehemently that the NFL, Referees, Announcers, Camera Crews, Mascots, Players Union, and God himself are working against the Patriots. These fans will be quick to look past the fact that the Jets, Steelers, and Bills all had potentially outcome changing touchdowns called back against the Patriots, and instead focus on the fact that when Tom Brady got caught cheating he was super “unjustly” suspended for the aforementioned cheating. “It was totally bullshit bro, like Goodell is a clown bro,” seriously that’s how these people talk.

The Casual Fans:
You won’t hear anything from these Massholes from August through December, they just learned Brandin Cooks was on the team last week against Tennessee, but come the Super Bowl they’ll be tweeting out as a member of #PatsNation. These Massholes are particularly insufferable because they only watch their team in the postseason, in spite of rooting for the same team year in and year out there’s still somehow a bandwagon, but they think Tom Brady is “wicked good bro, he’s the G.O.A.T. bro, do you think you’re better than me bro?” Seriously these people are caricatures of themselves.

The Diehard Fans:
These fans love the Patriots. They’re from the Boston area, and have been a Pats fan their whole lives. They didn’t pick to be a Pats fan, they were born into it. Their fantasy team is always all Patriots players and they never miss a game. Week in and week out you’ll see them on the Pats message boards staying updated with the team, and not only do they never miss a Patriots game, but they inexplicably watch every football game, they know all the college prospects and see the playoff picture coming together before the leaves have even started falling. These fans eat, sleep, and breathe Patriots football. They also suck.

The Polite Patriots Fan:
Just genuinely nice people. They’re never in your face about the Patriots, they just quietly support their team. Oh, you’re a Bills Fan? You won’t hear any chirps from these fans, they’ll just comment on that good young wide receiver you guys have and how they’d be happy to see you win a Super Bowl because “you guys deserve one.” Just all around a super nice person who you’d love to watch the game with.

That being said I’ve never met any Pats fan who is remotely like this, so not sure they even exist.

If you’re not a Pats fan, just keep your head down and wait for Tom Brady’s inevitable demise, until then let’s go Philly, Minnesota, and Jacksonville. Do it for America.

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