It’s happened. You’ve plummeted down to the pitch-black bottom of the housing market with no way out. Maybe bribing Reslife with all those sexual favors wasn’t such a hot idea after all. But don’t worry, there is still hope for you to escape this roadside purgatory, and prevent yourself from becoming social anathema. Just follow these easy steps.
Step 1 — Petition Boston to build a canal system to Lower:
In olden times, water was the lifeblood of commerce. It carried silk to the Venetians, gold to the Egyptians, and dysentery to New Orleans. Why shouldn’t it carry your pale ass to Walsh?
Land has failed you: the path from CoRo to lower is a grueling odyssey, and traveling it will eventually result in foot calluses like a tap-dancing rhino. The skies have failed you: as Student Services keeps on telling you, installing a helipad in the Mods is “a pimpslap to the face of sanity herself; also please stop calling us.”
Sea travel is your only recourse. Raise funds, hold rallies, do whatever it takes to convince Boston that its answer to the Panama Canal should be installed two feet from your door. Judging from the Government Center T stop, the construction should only take about… 87 years. But hey, your grandkids will thank you!
Step 2 — Beware of contracting Leprosy:
On the eve of BC’s founding (roughly one sesquicentennial anniversary ago), Father Patrick O’Malley McMurphy “Beefmash” Maguire banished the souls of every troublemaking child in Chestnut Hill. These sinful apparitions were sealed beneath a mighty hill: near enough to campus to serve as an ominous reminder, but far enough that you’d never go there unless you really, really had to. That’s right — CoRo.
The putrefied stench of these rotten souls still oozes up into the halls built atop their prison, resulting in hellish blemishes marking their owners as the social rejects they are. The sight of these deformities will cause your Lower friends to shun you even harder, so stay alert! Be on the lookout for ghastly wailing, mottled blotches on the skin, and the occasional limb detachment during ultimate frisbee.
Step 3 — Text harder than you’ve ever texted before, dammit!:
The ultimate danger of CoRo isn’t altitude sickness or being flattened by all that cars that seem to be trying to hit you every morning. It’s isolation. College students are extremely self-absorbed creatures, paying attention only to whatever’s directly in front of their faces. Without your physical presence, you’ll fade from friend group after friend group like a sad, gradual It’s a Wonderful Life.
How to fix this? Well, what’s the one thing people look at way more than other human beings? If you said porn, you’re correct. But the SECOND thing they look at is their phones — and that’s your ticket in.
Texting people once a week to ask which mod they’re standing outside isn’t good enough. You’ve got to text them every single day. Ask about their lunches. Interrogate the on how that math class is going. Feign interest as they answer these questions. Then, after you’ve asked all these things… Keep it up!!! Your thumbs should never leave your touchscreen. Pelt them with messages so hard they can’t help but think of you! Because you’ll be haunting their dreams.
Step 4 — Develop a tolerance for Mac food early:
True, you might be closer to Eagle’s… but that doesn’t mean you’re any closer to the end of its line. Face it, if you want to eat more than once before the next Ice Age hits, Mac is your only option. Going in blind is akin to dragging your stomach before a shooting gallery, so hone your culinary threshold by dining on these practice meals:
– Boiled shoe leather shows you how to tear into the thick rugged hide of Mac’s steak tips.
– Clip the excess trimmings from your lawn every morning. Toss them into a bowl with some dried kitchen sponges, and get used to the taste of Mac salads and bread rolls.
– Sauté a basket of erasers on high, then coat in crushed thumbtacks and smother in dingo spittle. This is the closest human beings have come to recreating General Gao’s chicken (the search for who the hell General Gao was remains unanswered).
– Dining on years of disappointment and failure will give you valuable preparation for enduring their late-night offerings.
Lastly, remember this: Reslife runs on a perfectly balanced Karma system. Some people get all the good luck, and others get all the bad. So once you’ve finished choking down Newton and CoRo, look forward to smothering in the cold, necrotic arms of Greycliff. Toodles!
Look no further for your St. Pat’s shirts!