Around this time of year at BC, it’s easy to panic and stress over how to handle the oncoming storm of finals. But in all the chaos, you often lose the most obvious solution — just cheat your way out! Follow these ways to bribe your teachers, and your professors will gladly look the other way when you play hooky on test day.
5.) Invite them to a Mod party:
As pop culture have taught us our entire lives, the old resent the young with a smoldering passion. They will stop at nothing to punish us for our Rubinoff tolerance and shiny, full heads of hair. Therefore, inviting a professor to your Mod/Walsh 8-man is more than a casual night out. It fools them into thinking you respect them even a little bit. It dispels the bitter, ever-present shadows of age constantly creeping into their Newton townhouses. It makes them feel ALIVE. You’d better believe that’s worth one goddamn A+.
4.) New tweed jacket with elbow patches:
These things are like sartorial catnip. Before them, even the strongest-willed of professors will melt like chocolate furnaces. Perhaps it’s the drive to match the preppiness of BC’s overall community that drives this hunger. Having a Ph. D essentially disqualifies you from wearing Canada Goose, but it only enhances the dusty, knowledgeable aura of tweed and elbow cloth. One little jacket, and your professor’s mind will be putty in your hands.
3.) Sweet, stanky weed:
Just because you get old doesn’t mean you necessarily stop hitting the bong… quite the contrary. Any job that requires constant contact with teenagers necessitates constant breaks from reality. However, your professor also needs to maintain base level decorum and reputation; the cocaine you used to bribe your high school teacher is no longer viable. Fortunately, Dr. Mary Jane has the perfect solution, and it’s legal in MA now, right? One eighth pressed between the pages of a homework assignment is nothing compared to the sweet vibes you’ll be getting from that A in Econ 305, man.
2.) Apple on the desk:
An oldie but a goodie. The classic teacher’s bribe, giving an apple says it all. You want to help give their desk some style, Lord knows O’Neill classrooms could use some. Your love for their subject burns as red as a ripened macintosh. YOU ARE THE APPLE. THE APPLE IS YOU. THE APPLE SHALL NOT NEED TO SIT THE FINAL. It also serves as a healthy snack in between manic episodes, or after a Plex trip to work off years of pent-up rage towards the students who take you for granted and sneak into your classroom to fuck on the desk. So many uses! They’ll be too flattered to refuse.
1.) An Eagle’s Deli Challenge Burger:
Who could refuse a 5-pound meat pile delivered straight to the windpipe? Not your professor, that’s for certain. Not convinced? Let’s look at the facts. Eagle’s challenge burgers are not easy to obtain:
1.) You have to go all the way to Cleveland circle. UGH.
2.) After signing the waiver saying you understand that this burger might make your heart explode, you have to seize the tray with both hands and sprint out of the restaurant holding it aloft, probably with several MBTA cops and a very angry chef on your heels.
3.) After making it to your getaway car and fastening the burger to the roof, you have to drive back to campus, recover from the hernia you got while hefting that burger around, and then drag it all the way to your professor’s office on the top floor of St. Mary’s (or some other obnoxiously tall building).
But it’ll all be worth it once they behold that splendid landfill of meat, cheese and carbs blocking the entrance to their office. After they call BCPD and have you sectioned under the mental health act, you can rest easy that you’ll never have to take a single final ever again. Success!!!
If all this fails and your classes follow suit, don’t fret. Netflix only costs $8 a month. You can make that much without a college degree, right?
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!