The dining hall remains a staple of the college experience. Everybody needs food—even if that food takes the form of pathetically small-sized pork chops dryer than the BU beach. But what we wish wasn’t a staple of our college experience is the endless horde of archetypal ninnies who frequent our local food courts. Whether it’s the infuriatingly slow walker climbing the stairs directly in front of you in Bay State or the asshole who takes four slices of pizza in Warren, everybody has that one person who they’re constantly trying to stay away from but always ends up running into. Here are 13 of the most annoying types of people you’ll see in a BU dining hall, so that you might better identify them and learn how to avoid them.
13.) The Indecisive One:
“I’ll have fish and potatoes please…actually no, fish and beans. Hmm, wait. Maybe all three? Give me a second…” Apparently some people feel that it’s acceptable to wait to decide which of the THREE OPTIONS given to them they’d like until they’re at the front of the line. You may also have encountered this particular dumbass at the Kenmore McDonald’s (“I’ll have the Happy Meal…actually, no, the Combo #1…hmmm, maybe with extra fries? Hold on…”)
12.) The Balancing Act:
Commonly spotted tightrope-walking toward their table with three plates of food on one arm, two plates and a bowl on the other, a glass of water on one shoulder, and a sandwich perched precariously on the top of their head. Certain species may also sacrifice one knee to be able to carry an additional plate (see The One-Legged Hopper).
11.) The About-Last-Nighters:
Usually seen sitting at tables in pairs publicly discussing their drunken antics at “that dope frat party” the previous evening. Believe that you are somehow enthusiastic to hear about that puddle of puke they accidentally stepped in. Be warned: will wear their hickies like a fucking medal. Females may also be seen slipping Plan B pills into their drinks.
10.) The Ridiculously Loud Food Server on Break:
Frequently seen in herds of three or four. Their sudden bouts of laughter have been known to reach record decibel levels and have caused death due to people choking on their food in shock.
9.) The N00b:
Commonly uttered phrases include “hey, so am I allowed to have everything, or can I only pick one?” and “am I allowed to get another helping of this?” Can be harmless at times but may also push you to the brink of insanity with the sheer immensity of their cluelessness.
8.) The Bay State Elitist:
Some people swear by West. Maybe one or two people swear by Warren. And then there are some people who believe that Bay State holds superiority over life itself. Apparently our entire tuition should go towards refurbishing it and maintaining its “divine” quality of food. Plus, if the Bay State dining hall was a person, then they’d f**k it till the cows come home. There are those people.
7.) That One Person Making an Insanely Personal FaceTime Call in Public:
For these people, privacy and decency are just too mainstream. They’d rather have unfathomably personal conversations over FaceTime, in the dining hall, with their phone speakers on full volume. That way everybody can hear about how they’re breaking up with their boyfriend due to his lack of girth, entering rehab for an Insomnia Cookies addiction, or fighting with their mom because she wouldn’t buy them a new Canada Goose jacket to replace the one that they pawned off to buy Adderall.
6.) The Unlimited Plan Junkie:
Spends more time in the dining hall than they do breathing. Will attend class via Skype and take exams in between meals. Has their own nests set up next to the ice cream dispensers so that they can catch some Zs between breakfast/post-breakfast snack/mid-morning snack/brunch/post-brunch snack/lunch/post-lunch bite/etc.
5.) Mr. Late Evening Breakfast:
A strictly nocturnal creature—generally comes out of hibernation around 6:30 p.m. each day. You can spot them plodding around with a bowl of cereal and/or a bagel in hand. Fashion-wise, leans towards pajama pants and a damp sweatshirt. Keep your distance, as their body odor is toxic.
4.) The Cholesterol Fiend:
Follows a strict diet of pizza, hamburgers, and ice cream. No exceptions whatsoever. Will single handedly occupy multiple tables, so don’t bother looking for open seats near them. Be warned: will hiss and throw stones at anyone carrying vegetables.
3.) That One Person Who You Kind of Know, but Probably Not Well Enough to Sit with Them:
Awkward smiles, half-assed waves, and crippling dilemmas over whether or not to invite them over to eat with you accompany encounters with this species. See, you don’t want to seem rude, but you also don’t want to seem creepy. Like, you’d be fine eating with them, but you’re not sure if they want to eat alone or if they expect you to invite them to sit with you and aaahhh OMG haalllppp the struggle.
2.) Ms. Special Request:
Always wants to know if she can get any sardines with her salad (“FOR THE LAST TIME, MISS, WE DON’T HAVE THEM HERE”), if they have animal fries (“JUST REGULAR FRIES, MISS, SAME AS EVERY F*****ING YEAR”), or if there’s any chance she could get fried eggs benedict instead of the usual scrambled (“NO CHANCE IN HELL, MISS”). Luckily, this species is close to extinction thanks to relentless hunting by pissed off dining hall servers.
1.) Patient Zero:
Common behaviors include experiencing fits of coughing as you pass by with your plates of fresh food, blowing their noses into paper napkins and then abandoning them on the table, and discreetly filling their water bottles at the soda fountain. They also sneeze into their hand and then promptly use that same hand to pick up their sandwich, sift through the silverware bins to find a fork that satisfies them, and leave their retainers in empty glasses. We generally attribute campus-wide outbreaks of flu, lice, and Ebola to them.
Hopefully this guide will help you have a better, safer, more comfortable experience during your next visit to the nearest on-campus buffet. Just be sure to avoid the multiple tour groups that will no doubt enter the dining hall during peak lunch hours.
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