The last three days of classes are in effect and finals are right around the corner. Boston University students are eagerly anticipating the beginning of #Summer2018. And since BU boasts a tuition more bloated than one of its donors after an all-you-can-eat buffet reception at the CILSE, the Scarlet and White student body regularly embarks on some of the most extravagant vacation plans of the modern era. Such plans are often decadent enough to make even a Canada Goose jacket say “oooh, that’s a little much…”
In accordance with this trend, we compiled a list of BU students who have the most wealth-displaying holidays awaiting them this summer. For your shock and amusement, The Black Sheep presents BU students with the boujee-est Summer 2018 vacation plans.
Student: Matthew Reespeesus (CAS ’20)
Vacation: 3 weeks at a 5-star resort in Cabo San Lucas followed by a month-long cruise through Central and South America.
As the son of candy industry giant John Reespeesus, Matt ventures on million-dollar international travels every year. This year, he’s on his way to a lengthy stay at the Casa de los Ricos Resort in Cabo. Then he hops on board his own private yacht for a cruise from Mexico all the way down to Argentina, around the southern tip of Chile, and back up the western coast of South America.
“I’ve already started learning some Spanish phrases,” the culturally insensitive nitwit told The Black Sheep. “For example, ‘¿Sirves burritos?’ means ‘do you serve burritos?’ and ‘Puedo unirme a tu pandilla?’ means ‘may I join your gang?’”
Matt will bring eleven friends with him. Each of them will receive a fake I.D., a credit card loaded with $9,000, and a casually racist sombrero and poncho. Buen viaje, Matt!
Student: Jordan Hornee (Questrom ’19)
Vacation: Month-long stay at the Playboy Mansion, plus a week in Las Vegas and a shark-fishing excursion in the Bahamas.
Being the offspring of a former Playboy editor and bank investor has its perks. For junior and Business Administration major Jordan Hornee, those perks include spending June having unrestricted and unprotected group sex with strippers and Playboy bunnies at the Hefner House in sunny LA. From there he’ll head straight across the border to Sin City. He’ll spend a week having unrestricted and unprotected group sex with strippers and spoiled college girls staying in casino hotels for their birthday celebrations.
“This summer boutta be so lit,” Jordan said. “My dad hooked me up with $1,500 to pay for morning after pills, so I’m all set.”
After Las Vegas, it’s off to the Bahamas, where he’ll have a lovely time on board the S.S. Belfort taking pictures of himself grinning next to captured sharks before severing their fins and tossing them back into the ocean to die. Illegal? Not if your parents pay off the Coast Guard to turn a blind eye! Go get some, Jordan.
Student: Jill Jackson (SHA ’21)
Vacation: Two weeks each at the Four Seasons Hong Kong, the Ritz in Paris, Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles, the Beverly Hills Hotel, the Plaza in NYC, the Imperial in Dehli, and the Villa D’Este in Italy.
Jill is already planning to become a hotel manager. Therefore, her CEO parents decided that she could continue her education this summer by experiencing what the world’s most famous hotels have to offer. She’ll “learn” from two-week stays at eight select venues across the globe. She’ll familiarize herself with how to maintain her tan beside sparkling infinity pools, how to resolve issues over which six-course meal to order from room service, and more.
“I felt like I should commit this summer to honing my chosen craft. Like, I want to gain a head start on things I’ll study in my future years at BU,” Jill said. “I really feel like I’ll learn a lot about hotel operations and management.”
Undoubtedly, Jill will earn lots of “real-world experience” from her “summer internship.”
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Student: Mariana Davis (CFA ’21)
Vacation: Road trip following Cardi B on her summer European tour May – July, followed by spending August at Angelina Jolie’s exclusive acting camp in Hollywood.
Marianna’s parents wished to commemorate their daughter making it through her first year of college without maxing out her debit card on Starbucks purchases (she came within $2). So naturally, they’ve rented her a private plane and reserved AirBNB houses at all locations on Cardi B’s summer-long tour of the European continent.
“There are so many things I’ve always wanted to do in Europe that I can do this summer,” the freshman explained. “Like taking Jell-O shots off Michelangelo’s David in Florence! My friends and I are doing that. It’s going to be so much fun. Also, I really want to do yoga on top of the Auschwitz memorials in Poland. I feel like it really honors the victims, you know? And I can spread awareness by posting photos of it on my Instagram.”
And the fun doesn’t end for Davis after the end of the tour. When she gets back to the States, she’ll immediately head to Hollywood to participate in Angelina Jolie’s annual sleepaway camp for budding actresses. She’ll receive personal masterclasses from Jolie herself as well as the chance to meet world-famous directors and actors.
The freshman claims that she sent in her acting resume and auditioned for the camp just like everyone else. However, we all know that having a mother who worked as an assistant producer on Mr. and Mrs. Smith didn’t exactly slim her chances.
Student: Tao-Tao Ziang (CAS ’20)
Vacation: Transferring to Harvey Mudd College, beginning his classes this summer.
Tao-Tao is finishing up his second year at BU, and apparently he’s had enough. For his junior and senior years, the statistics major will join the Harvey Mudd College Class of 2020. We’re counting this situation as summer plans because Tao-Tao will take courses at his new school starting this summer. Those courses amount to the boujee-est summer plans of any BU student ever. Harvey Mudd’s tuition now sits at an opulent total of almost $75,000 a year. It’s enough to buy thirsty BU COM students a year’s supply of Jack Daniels.
Tao-Tao’s parents will mortgage their villas in Switzerland, Casablanca, and Dubai in order to pay for their son’s continuing education. Matt, Jordan, Jill, and Marianna are all tut-tutting.
Feel ashamed yet? Do you now believe your family that is poorer than an unemployed CAS graduate? Well, feel grateful. You should see some of the things that Harvey Mudd students are doing this summer. Good luck on finals Terriers, HAGS!
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