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Top 5 Mugar Hacks for When You’re Dying Inside

Much like the Law Building and that mattress on the 10th floor of Rich, April can make many students feel like everything is on fire and things are crumbling into a pit of despair. In such trying times, with finals week looming and enough term papers to cause even the heartiest students cry until they’re blue in the face, study sessions can become increasingly difficult to withstand. Luckily for you, there are plenty of Mugar Library hacks to make life more bearable!

5.) Scream in the elevator:

When existential dread hits you in the PQ section of Mugar Stacks and you find the rage of one thousand philosophers bubbling up inside of you, there may not be enough time for you to exit the library before you explore. If you really need to release sound, simply hop in the elevator, wait until it starts moving, and holler until you strain your vocal chords. For particularly lengthy screams, take a ride from the basement to the sixth floor; just be wary that at any moment, someone could interrupt your volcanic self-expression session because they need to use the elevator for legitimate purposes.

4.) Self-diagnose the pit in your stomach:

Feeling like your stomach is digesting itself? Have a paper due by midnight? Making the trek to Student Health Services will waste far too much of your valuable time, especially since your condition is likely caused in part by chronic procrastination. If you’re really in a pinch, just which over to the “R” section on the 5th floor to find medical journals galore. They may be outdated, but they’re much more reliable than WebMD. If you discover that your stomach pains are the result of hunger or a lack of nutrients, you’ll already be in a poorly-lit, infrequently-visited area where you can start eating a book for the fiber without the risk of judgement. Score!

3.) Binge-watch academically:

If you hear voices that ask you “Are you still watching?” long after you log off of your Netflix account, you may be suffering from a serious addiction. Take comfort in the fact that acceptance is the first step to recovery, but remember that cutting yourself off cold-turkey is bound to lead to a relapse. Since you basically inhabit the library now, take a quick study break and watch hundreds of hours of classic film in the Krasker film reserves. You may have already compromised your quality eyesight after staring at a screen for two seasons of Narcos, uninterrupted, but you don’t have to sacrifice the facade of a studious lifestyle just yet!

2.) Sob on the 6th floor:

When all hope seems lost and you’re falling apart at the seams, sometimes all you want to do is sob uncontrollably in a comfy chair. The African Studies Library on the 6th floor of Mugar has plenty of soft, comfy seating for you to stress-dry-heave in the squishy embrace of a polyester armchair, with the added benefit of lighting that is actually tolerable to the naked eye. Niagara Falls may be emerging from your eye sockets, but you shouldn’t give up on the hope for comfort in this bleak landscape of April showers. If you feel that you need to wrap up your crying session but the tears keep coming, don’t worry – just make any audible noise whatsoever to be shunned into silence for the rest of eternity. You don’t have to take a stressful oral exam if you can’t speak!

1.) Hide from responsibility behind a newspaper:

If you’ve ever wanted to feel like a super-secret detective in disguise, you need look no further than the periodicals section. As deadlines dance around you and a hallucinatory fever-dream, you can take comfort in sticking your nose into the crease of the New York Times and heavily inhaling the sweet, sweet smell of ink and paper. If you’re lucky, you’ll trick your brain into thinking that it’s your paper you’re smelling, and your stress will melt away free of charge. However, keep in mind that “discovering the difference between fake news and real news” won’t serve as much of an excuse when you show up to any non-COM class without your term paper in hand.

With these simple hacks, you’ll be mastering the marathon study session in no time. Happy stressing!

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