‘Tis the season for high anxiety, existential questions, and the first of April; there’s no better time to pull a little April Fool’s day trick on yourself with a series of elaborate, semi-plausible situations that you can imagine to make reality more bearable. As you slowly wither into the oblivion of term papers and finals in the final month of this semester, take stock in your life and acknowledge these six things everyone fools themselves into believing about BU.
6.) Springtime in Boston will be filled with lovely springtime weather:
The false sense of security you developed after that brief series of 70-degree days in February was brutally stolen from you when they called a snow day on the Tuesday returning from spring break, and now you’re coping by thinking spring might finally come. As you gaze outside at the clouds and stare longingly at the snowflakes terrorizing your weather app, your only option is to tell yourself that springtime is not too far off.
5.) You will get into StuVii with a housing number higher than 10,000:
Perhaps this delusion came to you while you gazed out the window from the 26th floor and watched the sun set over rolling hills. Maybe you started hallucinating when you forgot to get off the BUS on your way to Fitrec from Warren and took your first real glance through those shiny glass doors at the elegant lobby. You’ve been living vicariously, scrolling through scenic Instagrams of its residents and riding the elevator top to bottom for an hour straight, but when you checked your email that fateful day in mid-march, you learned that your housing number was in the high 20,000s. Try as you might to log on to your housing portal early, you’ll have to keep fooling yourself on this one well into next year.
4.) The BUS will arrive according to the estimated time on the app:
At first, you thought you could time your sprint to the bus from the GPS map. Seven minutes away became three minutes away became thirty-three minutes away, and as you stood in the vestibule of the West Campus Target staring at your phone and frantically refreshing the app, the mystery Bus 2016 cruised on by, and you were forced to traipse back to your apartment in the definitely-not-springy slop outside. Even when you carefully arrange your location to prepare for the BUS according to its schedule, you still manage to see it only as it rumbles past you a moment too late. Believe what you will, but there isn’t much reliability in the BU Shuttle system no how hard you try.
3.) You will find a table in the GSU at 11 a.m. on a weekday:
Just because you’ve memorized the Loose Leafs theme pattern and are in a long-term relationship with BU Dining Services doesn’t mean you’ll be guaranteed a table at peak lunch hours in the GSU. Try as you might, you’ll just end up wandering around the back court until something opens up or succumbing to the inevitability of living as a hermit in the corner near Pinkberry. Properly timed, a trip to the GSU can be easier and breezier than Covergirl, but you keep on fooling yourself into believing you might score a decent spot without having to kill a man in the process.
2.) The GSU Starbucks will spell your name correctly:
Even though you order the same thing every day and hand them your BUID, with your name on it, to exchange your virtual currency for a nonfat mocha frappuccino, there are no guarantees that your name will ever be spelled correctly. In fact, if you brought your own mug in and wrote your name on that, odds are it would miraculously change when you hand it over to be filled with caffeine and sugar. It’s time to come to terms with the fact that your name will never be spelled quite right, but you still have a glimmer of hope in you that one day, you’ll see some semblance of your consonants-and-vowels moniker ingrained forever on whatever seasonal cup they come up with next.
1.) You can get from the dining hall to CGS in time for your 8 a.m.:
Despite the fact that you consistently roll out of bed at 7:45 a.m., you continue to believe that you not only have time for breakfast but also have oodles of leisurely morning moments to order an omelet and chat up a friend in line for pancakes. Even if you had a hyperspeed vehicle, or even anything with wheels and a motor, you still wouldn’t make it to a good seat in Sleeper if your life depended on it; at this point, you really should just embrace the late and sleep through class altogether.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast!