The holiday season has us blasting Mariah Carey bops, drinking a shit ton of hot cocoa, and pretending to be grateful for receiving nothing because you’re an “adult” who is “too old” for presents. If you’re disappointed about not getting a chance to shamelessly flaunt your ugly holiday sweater that says “Santa Likes It Naughty” on Instagram this holiday season, then fear not: other presents are in store! Prepare to jingle your bells and get excited about these seven awesome gifts from none other than BU.
7.) Designer eye bags:
Before you even get into how badly you want a Canada Goose jacket to fit in with the international student flock, listen up. You don’t need any of those doughboy-looking parkas because BU is generous enough to give you something better: eye bags. However, this gift is not just any ordinary pair of eye bags — they’re, that’s right, designer eye bags. Many well-rested students who refuse to stay up till 2 a.m. crying over some orgo chem lab report tend to struggle with getting their hands on this upscale look, so consider yourself lucky, you special snowflake. Go out there and make Kendall Jenner jealous.
6.) The gradest gift of all time:
Everyone tells you that your C in BI105 would have been an A at Harvard, but think of this holiday gift as getting another pair of socks as a present from your grandma for the twentieth time. It may be not be your favorite gift, but be grateful. Cs get degrees.
5.) Warren Towers Membership:
This holiday season, BU has taken the liberty of gifting you with a Warren Towers Membership for all four years of your undergraduate career! There’s no need to worry about housing registration anymore—in Warren, you’ll have 24/7 access to broken elevators, prison-esque living conditions, and constant heat strokes. What’s not to love? As they say, save the best housing numbers for last: literally yours!
4.) Debt the halls:
Surprise! President Brown teamed up with Taylor Swift and her trusty friend UPS to make this one possible. Taylor has garnered quite the reputation for how she’s made herself known around BU’s bustling campus—haven’t you seen her Reputation album cover slapped onto the blank space of every UPS truck driving around BU? Expect a Taylor-adorned UPS truck to deliver a package containing FAFSA forms, student loans, and rejected scholarship applications to your mailbox soon. The old (and the current and future) you can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because you’re in debt.
3.) A great hair day, every day:
You’ll never have to worry about having another bad hair day again. All it takes is a walk down the BU Bridge paired with a 22 mph gust of wind blowing at you in all directions to have a great hair day. West is the best direction to face, though. Your hair will whip back and forth, but you’ll have all of the other BU biddies envious of your wavy, hair-in-the-face look. Make sure to mention that this gift from BU was #notsponsored in your next Instagram post.
2.) The nicest calves in all of Boston:
So you always skip leg day at FitRec, but your calves are still looking jacked. Why? Because BU actually gifted them to you, dummy! Why do you think the BU Shuttle conveniently broke down five minutes before your comp sci class? @BuShuttle on Twitter doesn’t tweet out that their buses coming “out of AGGANIS are delayed due to traffic” four times a day for nothing. Sure, you had to book it to Questrom from CGS in ten minutes thanks to that transportation screw-up, but the next time you get plastered at TITS and “accidentally” run into your ex, you’ll just calf to show them off to her.
1.) Blessed with stress:
Why are you complaining that you have two papers due tomorrow and a calc final on Saturday during finals week? BU is giving you exactly what you need. BU students bond best over mutual stress-related breakdowns, so upon receiving this gift (whether it be in the form of chem problem sets or a fifty-page reading on some theoretical shit you don’t understand), prepare yourself for 99 other students in your MA115 lecture coming in hot with relatable complaints about experiencing nervous breakdowns just as often as you do. It turns out that stress fuels camaraderie after all.
Congrats! You actually got presents that are just as useful as your pregaming stamina before hockey games against the Chestnut Hill Eagles. Now go home and brag to your drunk uncle Bill about how you’re never too old to receive gifts from others. That’s something to be merry about, right?
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!