What screams corny pick-up lines, bouquets of roses, and way too many boxes of Necco Sweethearts candy? Valentine’s Day! If you’re still trying to find a last-minute place to hook up with your Valentine without getting caught, then look no further. Here are 6 places at BU where you and your SO can give each other a whole lotta love tonight.
6.) Mugar Library’s Fuckth Floor:
This quaint-looking level of the library may seem like a grody maze infested with rats and grubby books. However, it’s actually the perfect place for you to Mugar your way into your date’s heart. The fourth floor is dead silent. That’ll give you two lovebirds plenty of time to cozy up into a rustic cubicle and intensely prepare for that anatomy midterm without distractions. (The more detailed, the better!) There’s definitely a climax to this story, but we’re not sure when that will happen. So be sure to bookmark this place tonight for when you decide to sneak that “study session” in with your Valentine. The plot will only thicken from there.
5.) The CFA practice rooms:
For those of you who desire to perfect your craft in the art of love making, CFA practice rooms are the place for you. Equipped with soundproof walls and musical instruments of your choosing, this space will allow you and your boo to collaborate on this Valentine’s project in the works. This form of sensual art should feel liberating. Play with different tones and pitches. Belt out your lungs whenever your masterpiece gives you a really good feeling. No experimentation can ever be alto much. Things will probably get brass and horny.
4.) Tsai Performance Center:
Once you’ve mastered sexy time in the CFA practice rooms, it’s time to take things to the next level: the Tsai Performance Center. The vast stage and hot stage lights may seem daunting at first, but remember. This recital is only between you and your Valentine. Keep in mind that sometimes even the best shows need a little help in the props department. No glove, no love.
3.) Literally any dorm laundry room:
That dirty laundry sitting on your designated laundry chair in your room shouldn’t hold you back from doing what you want to do. Especially on Valentine’s Day. Luckily, there’s still time for you to get down and dirty (like your filthy underwear) with your date. If you’re willing to bang in any BU dorms’ laundry rooms after 10 p.m., then you’re in luck. At this hour, there will be no clothes calls with running into your roommate or your overly peppy RA. It’ll just be you, your bae, and the white noise of your laundry being washed for $1.75 per washing machine. You’ll get a load off your back and smell fresh as a Tide Pod afterward. (Unless you want an extra cycle.)
2.) Squash parts in the FucktRec:
If your Valentine wants to invite you to a sportsy rendezvous, then why not take up the challenge at FitRec’s squash courts? The two of you will have plenty of space for foreplay. Plus, you’ll experience the surround sound system installed in each of these courts. Each grunt you two make will produce a lovely echo. Be careful, though. Having too much fun with the balls will make too much of a racquet. The goal is to have fun while being discrete, not having your Valentine’s Day plans squashed by the FitRec staff!
1.) The DeWolfe Boathouse:
Situated somewhere on the banks of the Charles River, the DeWolfe Boathouse (a.k.a. the rowing house that no one knows about) is the perfect place for you and your Valentine to have a boatload of fun. There’ll be no interruptions, either! The facility is equipped with everything you need: a large workout room for the actual powwow, boats for when you feel like doing it on the Charles, and a spacious dock that gives you access to an impressive view of Boston’s skyline. It’s important to note that when looking at this skyline, you should turn to your date and say, “I’m DeOne for you.” That’ll row you in some points for sure.
Now you know where to bang without drawing too much attention to and your boo. So bust out that overused pick-up line, eat a shit ton of chalky sweethearts candy, and blast that Valentine’s playlist on Spotify. Get in the mood for a long night ahead. Just remember to wear protection for #noragrets.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: