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The Black Sheep Answers the BU Class of 2022’s Burning Questions

Before we even start, we’d like to congratulate the BU Class of 2022 on getting into this grade-deflated shithole. They’re now 99.999999% committed to indebting themselves for life at the top safety school in New England, getting absolutely sloshed at weekly T.I.T.S. outings, and earning a GPA lower than the depths of the Charles. (Sorry, when you get the weird post-spring break pre-finals purgatory that is March you’ll understand our mood.) We’ve decided to answer all of their questions in the most accurate, brutally honest way possible. You’re welcome, 2022 CGS and CAS undecided majors!

CAS Open House???:

Did you mean the Completely Average Social where you pretend that you’re considering the pre-med track despite being undecided? We’re sure that you guys will bond over the fact that you’ll all probably end up switching out to Questrom or COM at the last minute instead.

Scholarships???:

Yeah, we didn’t see any scholarship notification in our decision letter either. But don’t worry, it’s completely normal. It just means that you’ll have to hand over your soul and life savings to President Brown for the next four years! Nbd, right?  

Who’s got gamer tags?:

Unlike the prospective 2022 freshmen who innocently give out their Snapchats to thirsty, prospective Questrom fuckbois disguised as clueless CAS normies, we can’t do that with gamer tags. Not unless you can defeat 802.1x without IT’s help.

Lost BU ID!!!

Have you tried looking up and down Comm Ave fifty times? Searching the pockets of any abandoned Canada Goose jackets around Allston? Looking in a BU-related Facebook group to see if someone else has it? If you’ve done all of the above and still haven’t found your BU ID, then you might as well get used to stomaching cup noodles from City Co. Who needs Warren Towers and the dining hall’s cardboard-tasting rotisserie chicken anyway?

Shipped off to London already: 

Yes. BU has decided to ship you off to London as a way to prove yourselves worthy of attending this insanely expensive institution with the rest of us intellectuals. Don’t worry, though. If you can use the provided crayon, glue, and scissors with the two functioning brain cells that you have while on your extended field trip, then we heard that you’ll be able to manage.

Already broke: 

Venmo us four simple installments of $70k a year. Otherwise, we can’t provide the sufficient funds of $10 for your need to rent a movie. Disappointed? Good. Welcome to the 3.4%-tuition-increase life.

Not an English major: 

Who’s in for countless nights of no sleep? What about living in the Photonics building for the next four years? Ready to consume a shit ton of Red Bull and caffeine? Guess who’s not in for computer engineering? Us. It looks like you’ll have to tough this one out yourself, buddy.

Whether these wholesome 2022 freshmen had questions about CGS London or figuring out how to pay for “higher-quality” education, these answers should appease them. They’ll be more prepared to brave the 40 mph winds on the BU Bridge while searching for their BU IDs. They’re also ready to spend an eternity locked away in the Photonics building attempting to complete countless problem sets. We love an educational institution that definitely doesn’t make us question our self-worth and future!

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