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From The Desk Of President Robert A. Brown: I Didn’t Cancel Classes Because Of The Rain So I Could Watch You All Eat Shit

Dearest Terriers, 

It’s Robert A. Brown, your Boston University president and fearless leader. You might’ve just woken to news that your campus is expecting to get fucked by rain that is flooding the streets you walk on each and every day, and guess what? School isn’t cancelled. It’s true; as I sit here, counting my pre-year-end bonus by the roaring fireplace in my office, rain is indeed falling from the sky. 

And there’s still class, motherfuckers. 

Before you scream and get on your knees to beg to your beautiful president, let me be clear: I’m making you walk in the fucking rain and loving the fact that most of you are miserable. It warms whatever organ beats in my chest knowing you all would be slipping and eating shit around campus. 

The reason for the lack of cancelled classes is easily explainable. After I called an early-morning emergency tuition-hike meeting with fellow overlords here at BU, my secretary told me I had a decision to make: give you school, or give you the day off. It made me damn-near joyous to be faced with a decision. 

It was euphoric knowing you all were going to eat shit today. 

Perhaps it’s the serenity that rain brings that gives me the ultimate clarity to say this now: go fuck yourself, Terriers. I love seeing you all eat shit on the way to class today because I know you all talk shit about me when I’m not around, in classes early in the morning and in dorms late at night.

I know the things you say: Robert is such a piece of shit, always raising our tuition; or Robert A. Brown? More like President Fuckwad McFuckerson, I hate him so muchor, perhaps the worst of them all: Robert A. Brown is not a man to be trusted.

And that’s fine—my soul is as black as the wood that burns in front of me. I know this. But remember that whenever rain falls in Boston, Robert A. Brown sits at the right hand of God and will make you go to class. 

Whether today’s rain, tomorrow’s rain, or next year’s rain is just a dusting or goes well past your kneecaps, you will walk to class. 

School is always in session, motherfuckers, 

Robert A. Brown
President of Boston University

 

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