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BU Admin Excited to Spend Increased Tuition On Anything But Upgrading COM

BOSTON UNIVERSITY— In a recent email to the Boston University student body, President Robert Brown announced a 3.6% tuition increase for the 2018-2019 academic year. The BU student body is already used to shelling out an exorbitant amount of money for an increasingly questionable education. However, for a newly appointed university administrator, the rise in BU tuition brings new and exciting prospects.

“It’s my first year selling my soul to BU at the expense of its hapless students. I have a lot of new ideas that I’m really excited to bring to the table,” said Robert Lots, the newly appointed Associate Provost of Extraneous Financial Affairs. “I’ve mainly been thinking about a new science or engineering building. There’s this killer greenspace in front of the COM building—we could build it there, I bet. I wonder if Rajen Kilachand is open to helping us out again.”

When asked about why upgrading the COM building isn’t a possibility despite it not having undergone renovation since the 1970s, Mr. Lots grew noticeably flustered.

“It’s our most reputable college? Since when? I heard that COM students start taking shots at 11 a.m. on Wednesdays to celebrate the upcoming weekend. I mean, if it’s really true that COM is one of our better schools, then it doesn’t need any upgrades. WTBU burnt down a while back, right? That’s enough of an upgrade, in my opinion.”

The Associate Provost of Student Exploitation, Judy Lense, quickly came to Mr. Lots’ support.

“Our STEM programs hold the keys to the future, and Mr. Lots’ forward-thinking perspective will allow us to take advantage of that,” said Ms. Lense. “I have nothing against the College of Communication, believe me. But really, all COM students need is a laptop and they’re set. Why, we just made Adobe Creative Suite free. What more could they want from us, dammit?!”

“Joy has been incredible at helping me get settled. When it comes to making students regret attending this institution as much as humanly possible, no one else has taught me more than she has,” said Mr. Lots. “She’s full of great ideas, too. At our last Provosts meeting, she proposed that we add a Marsh Plaza seal outside of every college. Brilliant. Just brilliant.”

Mr. Lots is enthusiastic about presenting his 2018-2019 budget proposal to President Brown at an upcoming one-on-one meeting with the mustachioed man.  

“I have a ton of great ideas that I know he’ll love,” said Mr. Lots. “I’m counting on him to announce an additional rise in tuition to fund my most ambitious project: tearing down StuVi to build another Warren Towers. Amazing, right?! I’m sure our upperclassmen won’t mind.”

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