BOSTON UNIVERSITY—BU Admissions has recently announced its plan to fill the BU Beach with lounging plastic mannequins. They want to promote a more prosperous image of BU student life for prospective students on tours. According to Joe Bishop, Director of False Advertising, this plan has been in the works for quite some time.
“A lot of colleges have the advantage of those huge greenspaces. You’ll see smiling students relaxing or throwing a Frisbee around, but not at BU. For some reason, the students here always look so f***ing miserable. So I took it upon myself to fix the problem.”
“Naturally, the most important part of my job here is to keep up appearances. That’s how I thought of mannequins,” said Bishop. “Faceless plastic figures look happier on the BU beach than most BU students. Plus, at least we can make a mannequin hold a Frisbee!”
We asked Bishop why he thought students aren’t taking advantage of this greenspace.
“BU students are so busy trying to save their GPAs and hold down three jobs to pay for tuition. They don’t have a lot of time on their hands. Obviously, we can’t fix those problems, so the BU Beach is pretty much empty 95% of the year. It makes it really hard to sell BU to potential income sources—sorry, students—when the most recognizable symbol of college life, our greenspace, is suspiciously empty,” said Bishop.
“Sure, I like being outside as much as the next guy. But only when the weather is nice, which happens like once every four years in Boston,” said Jason Clark (SED ’19) when asked if he likes the BU Beach. “And even then, I probably wouldn’t have time to just, like, stay outside, you know?”
According to Linda Brown, BU’s Financial Irresponsibility Coordinator, a lot of money is going into Bishop’s initiative.
“We thought about actually starting to pay our tour guides for doing most to all of the work on selling this school to prospective students. But then we realized that our 2 billion dollar endowment is better spent on dressing faceless plastic figures in overpriced BU Barnes & Noble gear. It just seemed like the better option.”
Bishop’s hope is that having these mannequins out on the BU Beach will convince the next generation of students that BU is a welcoming school with students who thrive both socially and academically.
Kasey Davis (CFA ‘18) has worked as a BU tour guide for the past four years. She has no reservations about the misleading nature of this new initiative even if it means she doesn’t get paid.
“Honestly, I can see how hiring mannequins to look like happy BU students is the next logical step. Do you know how hard it is to sell people on a school when there’s always at least one sobbing student calling their mom on Comm Ave at all times?”
Some people have shown reservations about Bishop’s initiative. In other words, the approximately two students who occasionally play Frisbee on the BU Beach are concerned. Nevertheless, Bishop notes that “dressing about a hundred mannequins or so in BU gear on the beach is a lot easier than finding actual BU students who are thriving.”
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Auburn – $150 bounty!
Penn State- $300 bounty!
Indiana – $300 bounty!
Texas A&M Corpus – Christi $150 bounty!
UNC-Wilmington – $300 bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 bounty
NC State – $100 bounty
Wyoming – $150 bounty
WASH U // SLU – $150
Portland – $100
Slippery Rock – $100
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired!