In a thrilling match up Sunday night, the Philadelphia Eagles triumphed over the New England Patriots 41-33. This win gave the Eagles their first championship and robbed the Patriots of their sixth. The loss is an especially tough one for the Patriots franchise, they seemed like a lock to win it all once again this season under the leadership and beautiful baby-blue eyed guidance of MVP Tom Brady. Patriots fans everywhere, from Boston to Bhutan, were understandably devastated.
But true Patriots fans are known for their pride. Even in the wake of their team’s stunning defeat, they go to work on a chilly Monday morning with their heads held high, guzzling Dunkin Donuts coffee and confident in next season’s chances. They understand that even Tom Brady (in all his holiness) isn’t capable of perfection. Through thick and thin, everyone knows that you have to support the team.
Well, maybe everyone except Boston University freshman Aiden Sorenson, who executed a suspicious escape from the Patriots bandwagon last night. The suspect himself hasn’t admitted to it, but a variety of sources have informed The Black Sheep of Sorenson’s short tenure as a Patriots supporter.
Pranav Gidwani is the suspect’s former roommate. He first heard of Sorenson’s affinity for the team approximately three weeks ago, when the Patriots achieved their AFC Championship victory on January 21st.
“We had just gotten back from break. All he could talk about was how consistent their passing game was or something. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but I did think it was a bit strange. I didn’t say anything, but my mind was like ‘aren’t you a Raiders fan?’” A Las Vegas native, signs indicate that Sorenson was indeed a Raiders fan. He had posters of the team all over his dorm room and tweeted extensively about the team’s planned move from Oakland to his hometown. Soon after Sorenson returned to campus, the Raiders posters had vanished from the walls entirely.
In the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl, Gidwani started to notice some major shifts in Sorenson’s behavior. “First he started wearing his hats backwards and chewing gum all the time. After that he made all these memes where he photoshopped Eagles players onto pictures of penguins, which he thought was hilarious but it actually just didn’t make any sense at all. Then came the time when he tried to fight a kid wearing an Eagles shirt in his Writing 150 class. Then he paid someone $300 on Craigslist for a copy of Tom Brady’s nutrition manual! It had gone too far.”
Gidwani confronted Sorenson about his radical jump onto the bandwagon two days before the big game. Sorenson angrily contested that he had always been a Patriots fan and was just “waiting until I went to school in Boston to fully show it.” When Gidwani returned home from a late-night study session, the room was covered wall-to-wall with posters, pictures, and collector’s memorabilia. Sorenson was fast asleep wearing nothing but his brand new Rob Gronkowski jersey. Gidwani filled out a room swap request form the following morning.
Last night, for most of the first half, Sorenson was reportedly obnoxious beyond imagination, insisting the referees had Illuminati affiliations and repeatedly telling Eagles fans in the room to “kiss [his] gluteus” each time the Patriots scored. Sorenson was also said to have tried to hurl a desk lamp at a wall in reaction to the Eagles’ controversial fourth quarter touchdown.
Yet by the time the game clock struck zero, Sorenson was nowhere to be found. When asked about his peculiar exit the following morning, he claimed that he had homework to finish. “I had seen enough of the game and I totally forgot about this problem set that’s due on Friday. I try not to procrastinate if I can!” When asked if he was angry about the Patriots’ loss, he seemed confused: “Mad? Why would I be? I wasn’t really rooting for one team over another,” he remarked, trying his best to nod earnestly. “Just wanted to see an exciting game ya know?”
As we started to ask Sorensen about his knowledge of the shredded Gronk jersey and the sixteen crumpled posters of Bill Belichick found shoved in a laundry room maintenance closet, he hastily changed the subject. “In all honesty, I’m just not that big of a football fan. More of a basketball guy myself.” When asked about his favorite team, Sorenson flashed an innocent yet sinister smile. “Golden State Warriors. Since day one.”
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