Now that SED is getting renamed (thanks, BU-Wheelock merger!) to better reflect the BU student body, we got to thinking that every college at BU should be renamed in a similarly honest fashion. Hey man, it’s only fair. Based on what the students in each BU college are like, we thought of some brand-new monikers that better suit the Terriers you’ll find studying there.
CAS — College of Normies and Bad Decisions (NBD):
There are two types of people in CAS: Undecided majors who procrastinate on picking a real major ’til their junior year, which is when they panic and choose psychology, and everyone else (we can’t be bothered to categorize the rest of you, sorry). Whatever major you are, there’s probably a better version of it in one of BU’s profession-based schools…no bueno.
Speaking of the other schools — there’s more than enough CAS students out there wondering “Why are there no memes about us in the BU meme group?” to show that CAS is where you go if you don’t have an obnoxious enough personality to fit in at the other colleges at BU, but unfortunately, you also don’t have enough of a real personality for anyone to actually care about you. No internships? No networking opportunities? No future? No Big Deal.
Questrom — School of Networking and Entitled Kleptos (SNEK):
If you came to BU to learn how to steal make money, then you’re in the right place. SNEK is for people who are excited to use—sorry, leverage—their fellow classmates to network with some random but totally not egotistical AF Finance major who was thinking about applying to a summer analyst position at Goldman Sachs (and therefore can definitely give you some genuine advice about succeeding in the interview process).
We touched base with a few SNEK students for tips on fitting in, and they all suggested that you should carry around a knife with you at all times, because you never know when you’re going to need to stab someone in the back. A $750 Canada Goose jacket, a pack of cigarettes, and a borderline addiction to Starbucks coffee are also recommended.
COM — College of Shoddy Movies and Fake Hipsters (SMFH):
We understand that you’re only in class twice a week because you have “projects” that you’re working on, but you not so subtly ripped off of Pulp Fiction for your latest movie, so this pretense of hard work isn’t fooling anyone. Further symptoms of being a student in SMFH include still having “I’m With Her” stickers on your laptop, having the free time to get rip-roarin’ drunk on Tuesdays at 2 p.m., and feeling misunderstood when no one notices you fetishizing your depression on your Tumblr page for strangers’ attention. You save face for deciding to get a degree in General Communication when you tell your skeptical family members that BU is currently ranked 4th in the country (for journalism, but whatever) but secretly feel like transferring to Emerson would be the best choice at this point.
ENG — School of Crippling Self-Doubt (No time for engineers to think of an acronym that makes sense—they have a test tomorrow.):
Inside every arrogant engineering student at BU proudly bashing other majors for how little work they (apparently) do is an anxiety-ridden emotional trainwreck who can’t stop comparing themselves to every other engineer around them—yes, even their friends. What a life, right? Between trying to get funding for UROP and spending nine straight hours in Photonics agonizing over three homework problems, engineering students have little to no time to pay attention to things like their mental health or opportunities to socialize that don’t involve talking about schoolwork.
For every engineering student who gets a 37 with the curve when the class average was a 48: you’re not alone. Everyone else around you is also filled with self-loathing from basing their self-worth on a bad test score.
CGS — College of Dying Brain Cells (No acronym here, either—that’s a little too much abstract thinking for these guys.):
There’s probably no worse feeling than being made fun of for being in CGS—we say probably because we’re not totally sure if CGS students are ever aware that the rest of BU makes fun of them 24/7. We can’t blame them, though. Never leaving West except to go further west to kill what little brain cells you have left is a good way to avoid the East Campus people who use words that are too big for you to understand.
Speaking of words, CGS students, you often seem to have difficulty telling the difference between your and you’re, then and than, lose and loose…being able to spell is quite the challenging skill to acquire, and so is writing in general. Good luck on your capstone project, by the way. You’ll need it.
SED — School of Angelic and Wholesome Educators (AWE)
Let’s be honest—have you ever met a mean person from SED? You won’t find a more pure collection of students on campus. (Well, there’s only, like, 30 people in SED, so you’re unlikely to find one of them anywhere besides East Campus.) They proudly think of themselves as the mom of their friend group, are likely to enjoy knitting or sewing, and bake cookies for their friends’ birthdays. But now that they’re being renamed due to Wheelock College students coming into the mix, we may finally get to see their dark side. After all, no one likes sharing their coloring books.
SAR — College of FitRec Enthusiasts (FIT)
SAR students who live in East Campus are probably the only people who live in East Campus that don’t mind—nay, enjoy—making the trek to FitRec three times a week for this absurd activity called “working out.” (Most of the rest of us have never tried it before… evidenced by the fact that we don’t live in West.) Despite all of the knowledge SAR students seemingly gain from learning about the human body and nutrition, the Sargent frat boys living in StuVi 2 don’t seem too concerned about the health repercussions of downing a bottle of Jack every weekend. If they spent less time bragging about how much they can bench, then maybe girls at BU would feel less inclined to go for SNEK guys instead.
CFA — School for the Overly Pretentious (STOP, guys. Just stop.)
You know that chick who loves to sing but never shuts the f*** up? That theatre kid whose matching scarf and beanie collection almost outnumbers the number of shitty plays he’s written? The people who pretend jazz is their favorite kind of music because they prefer ~ highbrow ~ listening? They’re all in CFA.
Normally you don’t encounter them because they’re so self-contained (physically and mentally) in one building on campus, but when you do run into one, you better find a clever way to get out of a conversation about the hidden meaning of their favorite painting that they just discovered at the MFA the other day. Pretentious pseudo-intellectuals who have conveniently forgotten how to take a test—or write a paper—or do anything remotely academic, honestly—have never felt more at home in CFA.
SHA — School of…Who Are You Guys?
SAR and CFA constantly complain about being excluded from the BU meme group, but we never hear from SHA about it. In fact, you never hear from SHA in general…who are they? They’ve been around since 1981, so clearly students keep coming in, but where are they? We have so many questions for you mysterious people. It seems like spending so much time learning how to be hospitable for a living prevents you from ever interacting with the rest of us. But the rest of BU is a (mostly) welcoming bunch. We promise. Just crack some jokes about President Brown and you’ll fit right in.
Now that every college at BU has received an honest renaming, maybe SED—well, wceHD—won’t feel so out of place. Inclusivity is important!
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