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The BU March Madness Championship: Who’s the “Most BU”?

It feels like just yesterday that all 64 of our teams were in contention to be the BU March Madness Champions. Our last two teams standing had their own unique trajectories on their way to the championship. Representing the East/West bracket region is the Physics major calculating the downward velocity of their GPA following a recent exam, who pulled off some jaw-dropping wins down the stretch. It’s safe to say that this physics whizz deserves a shot at the title of “Most BU.”

Representing the Central/South bracket region is A disillusioned senior stomping all over the Marsh Plaza seal. Opponents like the BU Beach lifeguard and A Jell-O shot slurping freshman had no choice but to make way for this powerhouse. In their final year, they’ve finally made it to the end. Since neither student was particularly athletic in any way, shape, or form, we at The Black Sheep tried to find an impartial way of determining a winner. We escorted both students, blindfolded, to a nondescript room in CAS, turned on a tape recorder, bolted the door, and waited.

Disillusioned Senior:
With all due respect, this matchup isn’t even close. How can you sit here and actually believe you, a physics major, embody the ideals and values of an entire student body? Feeling disillusioned, saddened, and outraged at the ridiculousness of the BU administration is part of being a student here. There’s nothing universal to your little calculating act.

Physics Student:
I beg to differ. There’s an inherent universality to my message that goes far beyond STEM. The truth is that whether you’re majoring in physics, women’s studies, or bellhop administration, you feel my pain as a student. The irony of using the equations you’re learning to figure out how badly you’re learning is far too relatable for this student body to pass up. It’s hard to deny that poking fun at our academic incompetency isn’t the most universal thing that the BU community shares.

Disillusioned Senior:
Fair point. But what I stand for is the anger we feel toward the system itself, which has a significantly larger following behind it. Proof? Think about when President Brown raised tuition. Students got so angry about it that they started making threats to break into his house and shave his moustache off in the middle of the night. I mean, yeah, I was one of them. But it’s a sign that this school’s true unifier is a collective hate of the BU power structure. The Marsh Plaza seal represents that, which is why I stomp on it every chance I get.

Physics Student:
Well, good for you, but you’re misguided. Look, I disrespect the administration as much as you do. But there’s a much greater collective hate for academia on this campus. If we’re all failing class, but we’re falling together, then nobody looks nearly as bad. My experience here represents that. The BU meme group would have no use without this principle. It’s best that you admit it. Plus, pretending to take a piss on the Marsh Plaza seal while a tour group of 17-year-olds and their helicopter moms walk by doesn’t mean that you “embody” BU. 

Disillusioned Senior:
You say it’s bitterness. I say it’s telling the truth about a regime that’s sucking our money, time, and self-confidence from us, one blisteringly unbearable winter day after another.

[Campus_Swag]

Physics Student: 
If you hate it here so much, then why did you come here in the first place?

Disillusioned Senior:
Because my dad knew Dean Elmore in college and they gave me a full ride. Plus I found the CGS program very intellectually stimulating.

Physics Student: 
Wow. What an an interesting turn of events. Wait until the whole school finds out you’re an “activist” who pays nothing to go here. Also, the CGS thing explains why you’re not having trouble in class…

Disillusioned Senior: 
At least I didn’t get a 37% on a midterm!

Physics Student:
37% more than you’d have gotten.

Disillusioned Senior:
I’ll have you know that I took two weeks of AP Chemistry in high school before flunking out—wait… how will everyone know anyway?

Physics Student: 
Dude. There’s a tape recorder right in front of us.

After this segment of the recording, the audio cuts out abruptly. We believe that one of them stomped on it. We can’t know for sure, but it stands to reason.  Since we couldn’t listen to the entire debate, we couldn’t officially decide a winner. However, following the championship match, the disillusioned senior has declined requests for comment. We even approached them multiple times during their weekly stomping session in Marsh Plaza. 

On the other hand, the physics major has been even been enjoying their daily routine of sleeping two hours, crying about fulcrums, and eating takis while playing League of Legends. Heck, they’re even doing better in their classes.

“Somehow my test average just rose from 37% to 45%!  I don’t know about you, but that’s what I call a championship win.”

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