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BU March Madness, East vs. West: Which Student Wins?

Once again, BU finds itself on the sidelines as teams from around the country squaring off in hopes of winning eternal glory and mounds of funding for their already-loaded athletic programs. So we decided to make our own: BU March Madness! Each region of campus (West, East, South, Central) will have 16 “teams,” all of them representing the various individuals that make up our diverse student body. This week focuses on the teams from East and West campus, and next week will focus on the Central and South teams.

The two finalists out of all four regions will square off in the BU March Madness championship for the title of “Most BU.” Who will have a chance at glory? Take a look!

BU MARCH MADNESS: EAST CAMPUS

 

ROUND 1

1) Questrom student excitedly highlighting The Art of the Deal at Questrom Starbucks v.s. 16) Freshman who’s confident that he’ll never get carded at Quality Mart:
Armed with the business tips and tricks of our current President, this Questrom student easily tramples his hapless opponent who can’t even grow a beard to look 21.

8) Sorority girl with amazing Red Sox season tickets from her affluent father v.s. 9) Physics major calculating downward velocity of their GPA following recent exam:
Sorry, Mr. Davis, but your COM daughter couldn’t keep up with the physics curriculum if she tried. Good thing she’s still got seats behind home plate!

5) Danielsen Hall resident with majestic calves v.s. 12) West campus resident who has three 8a.m.s in the Kenmore classroom building:
All that excessive walking to class is finally paying off. Put those glorious legs in a shoe catalog!

4) Douchey president of MIT Frat SAE v.s. 13) Sad Bay State work-study student serving unappetizing rotisserie chicken:
Despite his jaw-dropping high school transcript, no accolade is enough for an MIT fratboy to move on in this competition.

6) Freshman begrudgingly getting help on Writing 100 paper at the Yawkey Writing Center v.s. 11) SED student attempting to teach a squirrel the ABCs:
Regardless of whether or not his mom made him do it, this freshman earns major props for trying to turn a D paper into a C paper.

3) COM sophomore applying for their 107th unpaid internship v.s. 14) Myles-Standish resident who easily sleeps through construction without earplugs:
Yes, they’ve all told her no, but at some point someone will say yes! Right?

7) Freshman bankrupt from buying textbooks at Barnes and Noble v.s. 10) Hojo resident armed with 6 IKEA lamps to combat dim lighting:
We all feel the pain of expensive textbooks, and if you end up in Hojo, then your fate is sealed at this point…

2) President Brown’s Moustache v.s. 15) Questrom student trading ETFs while chain-smoking Marlboro Reds:
Questrom’s power of NASDAQ and carcinogens help overtake the Prez’s impressive facial hair in a shocking upset!

ROUND 2

1) Business student excitedly highlighting The Art of the Deal at Questrom Starbucks v.s. 9) Physics major calculating downward velocity of their GPA following recent exam:
Any person taking advice from the president’s book isn’t going too far.

5) Danielsen Hall resident with majestic calves v.s. 13) Sad Bay State work-study student serving unappetizing rotisserie chicken:
We really feel for the work-study kid…but those legs, tho!

6) Freshman begrudgingly getting help on Writing 100 paper at the Yawkey Writing Center v.s. 3) COM sophomore applying for their 107th unpaid internship:
The COM sophomore wins because they passed Writing 100…barely.

7) Freshman bankrupt from buying textbooks at Barnes and Noble v.s. 13) Questrom student trading ETFs while chain-smoking Marlboro Reds:
One misplaced cigarette can burn down the entire B&N…just sayin’!

ROUND 3

9) Physics major calculating downward velocity of their GPA following recent exam v.s. 5) Danielsen Hall resident with majestic calves:
Science proves that yes, even beautiful calves can cramp. 

3) COM sophomore applying for their 107th unpaid internship v.s. 15) Questrom student trading ETFs while chain-smoking Marlboro Reds:
The smoking Questromite already has an ungodly resume, no doubt.

ROUND 4

9) Physics major calculating downward velocity of their GPA following recent exam v.s. 15) Questrom student trading ETFs while chain-smoking Marlboro Reds:
Subpar transcripts aside, physics majors have actual souls.

BU MARCH MADNESS: EAST CAMPUS WINNER:

Physics major calculating downward velocity of their GPA following recent exam.

BU MARCH MADNESS: WEST CAMPUS

 

ROUND 1

1) Student screaming “BRING BACK EXTREME PITA” at 2a.m. v.s. 16) Unsuspecting sophomore haunted by the ghost of John Wilkes Booth at Booth Theatre:
Delicious philly cheesesteak wraps or a president killer? This one’s a no-brainer.

8) Drunk girl harassing T. Anthony’s cashier @ 3a.m. v.s. 9) Drunk girl devouring Sunset Cantina nachos @ 3a.m.
Ms. Inebriated T. Anthony’s ekes out a win thanks to her creative cursing and persistence for cheesy goodness. 

5) Frat bro who only walks to FitRec in shorts during winter v.s. 12) CFA’s Trapped Traffic Cone:
If they don’t move on, then how else would we know that sweatpants are for losers?

4) Sargent student buying $600 worth of kombucha at the holy Mini-Target v.s. 13) Lacrosse player “super bummed” by empty stands at every home game:
In a shocking upset, the lax player’s sorrow was too much to not acknowledge in this tournament.

6) Student posing for Tinder photos near CGS greenspace patch v.s. 11) Stoner buying 83 croissants @ Star Market:
Despite seeding, the shopping stoner swipes left on their opponent into shameful oblivion. Use Bumble next time!

3) CGS senior finally memorizing their times tables v.s. 14) Freshman who owns four BU hockey jerseys but can’t explain what a “power play” is:
Everyone’s super proud of Mark for remembering 8×8=64, so we had to award him a spot in the next round.

7) “Bad boy” shoplifting tubs of hummus from Buick v.s. 10) Father of 3 waiting in line for Disney on Ice at Agganis:
While we don’t condone stealing, we still can’t say that we aren’t impressed by this hummus heist.

2) Flu-ridden freshman who can’t get an SHS appointment until next October v.s. 15) Entitled StuVi2 resident who rides bougie-ass elevators for fun:
SHS is its own kind of hell, and we can’t knock the poor kid for trying.

ROUND 2

1) Student screaming “BRING BACK EXTREME PITA” at 2a.m. v.s. 8) Drunk girl harassing T. Anthony’s cashier @ 3a.m.:
This student is dropping nothing but truth bombs, and we respect it. Leave T. Anthony’s alone!

5) Frat bro who only walks to FitRec in shorts during winter v.s. 13) Lacrosse player “super bummed” by empty stands at every home game:
He may be one of those bros himself, but Mr. Lax’s eternal sadness gives him the edge.

11) Stoner buying 83 croissants @ Star Market v.s. 3) CGS senior finally memorizing their times tables:
The stoner may have 83 croissants, but Mark knows 83 is a prime number! #winning

7) “Bad boy” shoplifting tubs of hummus from Buick v.s. 2) Flu-ridden freshman who can’t get an SHS appointment until next October:
BUPD is definitely going to bust that heist, dude.

ROUND 3

1) Student screaming “BRING BACK EXTREME PITA” at 2a.m. v.s. 13) Lacrosse player “super bummed” by empty stands at every home game:
The pita student just got arrested for public urination in Rhett’s, so…

3) CGS senior finally memorizing their times tables v.s. 2) Flu-ridden freshman who can’t get an SHS appointment until next October:
Both are helpless, but the flu will pass. Stupidity won’t.

ROUND 4

13) Lacrosse player “super bummed” by empty stands at every home game v.s. 2) Flu-ridden freshman who can’t get an SHS appointment until next October:
Our athletics needs a chance to win something, right?

BU MARCH MADNESS: WEST CAMPUS WINNER:

Lacrosse player “super bummed” by empty stands at every home game

BU MARCH MADNESS 5TH AND FINAL ROUND

13) Junior lacrosse player “super bummed” by empty stands at every home game v.s. 9) Physics major calculating downward velocity of their GPA following recent exam:
In the college battle of East nerd vs. West jock, East nerd wins on career prospects alone. No offense, professional lacrosse league! 

WINNER OF EAST/WEST BRACKET:

Physics major calculating downward velocity of their GPA following recent exam

With that, we conclude this week’s BU March Madness. Next week, we pivot to the 32 teams from Central and South. Who will challenge our fearless physics major in the championship? You’ll just have to tune in and see!

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