COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES—Today marks not only the last day of classes, but also the day that all 115 students in AR100 decided to show up for the final 9:30a.m. lecture of the semester.
“It was so surreal,” said Professor Henry Carter. “I had a pretty rough morning with the photocopier trying to print out a handout that the kids probably left under their seats after class ended. I also had a pretty heated argument with a student over why he didn’t deserve an A during my 8a.m. office hours. The fool failed two take-home midterms!”
“As you can imagine, I was in a pretty sour mood. But when I walked into that lecture hall, 115 bright, smiling faces welcomed me. What a nice surprise, right? I haven’t had perfect attendance for this section since the first day of class! It makes wonder why the kids suddenly decided to show up again.”
However, Lucy Burns (COM ‘18) saw the situation differently. “So like, I went to T.I.T.S. last night to get over the fact that I received my 100th job rejection yesterday. So you can, like, imagine how hungover I was,” said Burns. “I only dragged my ass to lecture to turn in a paper that I literally bullshitted earlier that morning. I mean, why else would we come? This class is a joke. Ugh, I really could’ve used a mimosa.”
“Carter doesn’t even take attendance. So I don’t know why I make the trek to class from West three times a week,” said regular lecture-goer Mike Dubois (CAS ‘20), who couldn’t help but agree and add more fire to Burns’ words. “The only human remains here is my body, and I’m pretty sure that my brain has rotted from all of the physics problem sets that I do in this class. You thought I took notes on archaeology? Sike! No one does. The dude posts everything on Blackboard.”
Despite all of the complaints, Carter’s colleague, AR101 Professor Diane Cole, had nothing but praise for the archaeology professor and the students.
“Henry does a wonderful job sharing the significant discoveries in the field of archaeology. I’m thrilled that his students decided to surprise him by showing up today. How thoughtful!”
When asked if he wished regular attendance to his classes was as great as today’s turnout, Carter laughed then proceeded to dodge the question. “You know what? What matters most right now is that everyone have a nice and relaxing excavation—I mean vacation—after finals are over.”
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