There’s no denying that Rhett the Terrier is a sexy beast. That silky black fur; that turnip-shaped white patch on his head; those big, hairy, unbelievably disproportionate paws; that beautiful, anatomically implausible grin that makes him look like the spawn of a marriage between the Joker and Pennywise the Clown! Those fluid, undulating, spiritual dances he does during sports events do to your libidos what money does to Questrom students.
The downside of having eye candy for a mascot is that unfortunately, he’s the perfect candidate to steal your significant other away from you. Innocent BU students discovering that their SOs have been “secreting the kennel” is now such a common occurrence that we at the Black Sheep, out of sympathy for those who find their SOs falling prey to Rhett’s irresistible allure, have assembled a guide for how to deal with the loss of your loved one to a hot hunk of dogmeat. So, without further adieu, here’s what to do should such a situation arise.
Step 1 — Watch as many cat videos as you can find:
Spending some quality internet time with dogs’ mortal enemies will help you feel better about being one-upped by a canine. You’ll get terriers off your mind and, as a bonus, those adorable musical kittens will make you laugh and squeal the same way your SO used to.
Step 2 — Buy George Michael’s album Faith and play it on repeat:
The album’s title and the subject material of the songs will be perfectly suited to your troubles; four out of five doctors agree that iconic 80’s hits such as “I Want Your Sex,” “Hand to Mouth,” and “Kissing A Fool” can be the best cure for a broken heart. George Michael’s high-octave voice and magical guitar licks will soothe your aching soul, and hopefully help you move beyond your trauma. By the way, you better buy the vinyl copy; iTunes and Spotify are not allowed. Just because you’re dying inside doesn’t mean the music industry has to die with you.
Strongly recommended additional listening: Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle, AC/DC’s “Givin’ the Dog a Bone,” The Stooges’ “I Wanna Be Your Dog,” Slipknot’s All Hope Is Gone, Beyoncé’s “Sorry” (for those in denial), and anything (literally anything) by Taylor Swift.
Step 3 — Call your parents and tell them to put your dog(s) up for adoption:
You just can’t have any reminders of the unquenchable pain you have suffered running around the house when you get home for spring break, no matter how cute those reminders are.
Step 4 — Petition President Brown to change BU’s mascot on the basis that Rhett is disrespectful to British Terriers:
It worked at places like Miami U, Marquette, and Stanford, so why not here? Get your writing chops in gear and fire off some passionate emails to President Brown about protecting the dignity and heritage of the animals of the United Kingdom and how you #StandWithBrits. Introduce the idea of Rhett the Terrier being an offensive portrayal of the British Terrier and you may just start a movement to have BU’s mascot changed. Hopefully the new mascot will be someone less likely to attract unfaithful partners.
Step 5 — Last resort: hook up with Baldwin the Eagle:
If all else fails to bring you out of your depression, the most drastic of measures may be in order. After all, there is no more extreme way to get back at Rhett and your cheating SO than to have the bane of that thieving terrier’s existence put his talons all over you. Slaying Boston College’s leader of cheer will require a considerable amount of work, as you will have to not only infiltrate a BC rager but also seduce a mascot known for being a soulless bastard.
However, should you succeed, you will have exacted the ultimate physical and emotional vengeance: you will have crushed Rhett’s very being—and invited the conclusion that your cheating ex is so beneath you that they can’t even top a BC fling. Be warned: Possible side effects of this tactic include expulsion, demonic possession, and death.
Hopefully these strategies will aid you in moving past the harrowing ordeal of losing your SO to Rhett the Terrier, a.k.a Mr. Steal Yo Girl/Boy. As additional tools, we’ve included several toll-free, anonymous hotlines and websites below which you can call/visit at any time for help in dealing with your trauma. Live long and prosper.
Transfer/Dropout Prevention Hotline: 1-800-KEEP-OUR-FRESHMAN-RETENTION-RATE
Rhett Prevention Hotline: 1-800-END-THE-RHETTRIARCHY
Free Online Dating: www.tinderlite.com
Free Online Therapy sponsored by the Black Sheep: www.getyourshittogether.com
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