Now don’t get us wrong—we sincerely appreciate that BU is trying to keep us safe by letting us know about danger near campus whenever it arises. But we think it would be great if BU could allocate some of our tuition to setting up an additional student life-oriented alert system just to make our lives a little more convenient and a little less painful. Here are some events at BU that deserve text, phone call, and voicemail alerts whenever they occur:
8.) When a cubby opens up in Mugar during midterm season:
If you’re going to invest eight or more hours of your day torturing yourself to study extremely hard for a test that you’ll end up getting a B- on, then it would be nice to get a spot that minimizes distraction and maximizes what little motivation you still have at this point in the semester. But waking up at an ungodly hour to drag your ass to Mugar only to find that all the good study spots are already taken is always a real pain. So if someone leaves their cubby in Mugar anytime during the day and you just so happen to be procrastinating in the GSU Starbucks at the same time, then you should get a BU alert so you can scurry on over there and find an optimal spot to subject yourself to intense academic stress.
7.) When a booth at the GSU opens up during lunch hour:
Speaking of the GSU, eating in a booth makes all the difference, no lie. They’re more private, more comfortable, and have more room for you to spread out your stuff. We all want to eat our Panda Express orange chicken in peace sometimes—a booth just improves the ambiance of that scenario. Considering that vacant booths vanish in less than two seconds, a BU alert would be helpful for students who are just arriving at the GSU and are willing to make a slight jog to nab an empty booth before someone else who had the same bright idea (and got the same alert) gets there first.
6.) When the BUS is actually running on time for once:
When the BUS isn’t taking a swim in the Atlantic Ocean, it’s running late. This tardiness is a real inconvenience for the hundreds of students who rely on it every day to get from West and Danielsen to class because they don’t want to walk in the freezing cold. Dear BU: being told that the BUS is five minutes away when it’s actually somewhere in Limbo is not helpful. Invest some of that $1.96 billion endowment fund into either upgrading the BUS system or into providing us with real-time BU alerts that let us know when the BUS is actually close to arrival.
5.) When a cute guy in your BU vicinity isn’t taken or gay:
60/40 gender ratio reacts only! We’re not sure why BU is so popular with women, but we do know that it’s unnecessarily difficult to find an attractive guy who isn’t already in a relationship or bats for the other side. If you’re sitting on the BU Beach and a cute guy who is also single happens to walk by, then that phone should be buzzing with a BU alert that lets you know of an opportunity to potentially not die alone. Even if you hit him up and he doesn’t turn out to be the right one for you, it’s always better to “oh well” than “what if,” especially if you’re wasting away four years of your young adult prime time on this godforsaken concrete slab we call a college campus.
4.) When your ex is at TITS at the same time as you are:
If you break up with aforementioned cute guy and it was a total mess, then you probably don’t want to see him ever again. But even though there are 17,000+ undergraduate students at BU and the campus is over a mile long, you always seem to run into the person you least want to see—your ex—at the worst possible time and place—TITS at 11p.m. on Thirsty Thursday. But with the help of a trusty BU alert, you can haul ass right on out of there and make your way over to T Anthony’s. No need to worry about him spotting you and awkwardly avoiding eye contact, or spotting you and deciding to make his way over because now is definitely the best time to have that “conversation” about “closure” that he thinks is “really important” for the “future” of your “relationship.”
3.) When slow walkers are up ahead on Comm Ave:
This alert would be more for convenience than anything else. We all know that mixture of dread, annoyance, and hatred whenever we’re trying to book it to class and we get caught behind people who think it’s the best idea in the world to walk a mile an hour. This BU alert would let us know when a particularly large group of people (*cough* tour groups *cough*) or a particularly slow group of people are up ahead so we can plan accordingly by switching sides on the sidewalk. You’re already staring down at your phone while walking down Comm Ave—you might as well make it more useful.
2.) When wind tunnel intensity on Comm Ave reaches peak levels:
No one likes having their hair blown all over the place, being knocked halfway to the ground, or the general feeling of sheer hatred you feel for your decision to attend college in a place where the wind hurts your face. Why BU is positioned alongside an avenue that causes all of these sensations to happen constantly over the six month period that is the New England winter is anybody’s guess, but the best BU could do to compensate for that is set up an alert to let us know when to avoid going outside. You may regret your walk back from Allston a little less.
1.) When Questrom students are on their cigarette breaks:
Honestly, BU Student Health Services should really set aside some time to look into how cigarette smoke concentration levels in front of Questrom affect the development of lung cancer in the BU student population as the years go by. (Actually, could someone get some UROP funding to research this phenomenon? That would be an interesting study.) Why? Because walking past Questrom during Cigarette Break Time is slowly but surely giving the rest of us lung cancer thanks to secondhand smoke. With a BU alert letting us know when to take a different route to Bay State Dining Hall, maybe we could put off death caused by unhealthy substances, at least until this upcoming weekend.
We plan on contacting President Brown with these ideas as soon as possible. Expect an upgrade to the BU Alert system by the 2018-2019 academic year!
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