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Finally: Austin From Kappa Sig Settled On A Goddamn Jersey For Inaugural Rager

BAY STATE ROAD— On East campus this morning: BU Kappa Sig member Austin Mahoney has made a crucial decision. Following days of intense deliberation, Mahoney’s finally selected the sports jersey he will wear for his fraternity’s inaugural Sports or Dorks party planned for this coming Saturday.

“It hasn’t been easy,” said Mahoney, adjusting his spiked black hair before slipping a Vineyard Vines hat backwards onto his head. “I’ve spent a lot of sleepless nights looking for the right vibe. I’ve been soul searching out my ass, dude.”

As expected from all brothers of Kappa Sig, Mahoney began his preliminary jersey search in December of 2017, a whole nine months before the scheduled bash. Each brother has their own nuanced method of decision. However, Mahoney says that each member goes through three main phases: excavation, exploration, and deliberation.

“Excavation is all about seeing what you have,” described Mahoney, brimming with genuine excitement. “Each of us gets so many jerseys a year that we sometimes forget what we already have. My jersey closet has at least 300 in there, so I always find some hidden gems every time.”

Exploration is a three month period where members search, swap, and even steal jerseys from one another in hopes of finding the best fit. Mahoney recounted it as a tumultuous time, saying, “I’ve lost so many brothers, bro. You can’t even imagine.”

While each phase takes its own emotional toll on the brothers, Mahoney describes the final stage, deliberation, as “when all the tears come.” In the days leading up to the rager, each brother whittles their jersey choices down to five. They then consult their friends and loved ones for advice.

After talking with his parents, priest, (biological) brother, and multiple friends with benefits, Mahoney courageously settled on his jersey of choice: a brand new #23 Lebron James LA Lakers jersey.

“I wish I could say I found the right one, but I don’t deserve the credit,” said Mahoney, tears of joy rolling down his face. “But it found me.”

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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