BOSTON UNIVERSITY—Last week, thousands of BU students flocked to the Housing Portal to select their on-campus residence for the 2018-2019 school year. While the soon-to-be seniors colluded together to get into StuVi, many freshmen felt cheated with their shitty housing numbers and options. One freshman in particular was feeling extra tilted and didn’t hold back on his thoughts regarding the whole fiasco.
“I can’t believe that I didn’t get into StuVi 2,” said freshman Jack Marshall. “I spent five days drafting up my ‘Top 100 StuVi 2 Room Choices’ list before housing selection. This bullshit is way more fucked up than when my Tinder date ghosted me at a Harvard frat party. If I was able to get a StuVi room on the 26th floor, then I could’ve flipped her off from my window across the Charles. But apparently good people can’t have nice things.”
The “Top 100 StuVi 2 Room Choices” list that Marshall fondly refers to is an Excel spreadsheet of all of the rooms in these luxurious complexes.
“I took an L on my stats midterm for this baby,” said Marshall, referring to his list of housing preferences. “My GPA may have suffered, but at least I was prepared in advance for room selection. My housing number was also 22,000, which is decent in my opinion. How could someone as devoted as me not get in?”
Marshall’s roommate, freshman Richard Smith, knows all too well of Marshall’s “devotion” to StuVi 2. In fact, Smith considers his roommate’s behavior to be a borderline unhealthy obsession with this residence.
“Y’know, sometimes I feel bad for the guy. But then I remember how weird he was acting during his room selection time. He was decked out in Vineyard Vines gear while placing empty Heineken bottles on our windowsill. Who does he think he is? A preppy Kappa Sig bro? Chill. You’re not even living in the damn building yet.”
Smith’s girlfriend, sophomore Jessica Adams, also happened to be present when Marshall was selecting his housing for next year. She recalls a series of unfortunate events.
“I remember him feeling disappointed when he saw that there were zero spots left in StuVi 2 despite his ‘good’ freshman number. He then proceeded to curl up into a ball on the mold-infested carpet and cry through the rest of his registration time. Dick—that’s Richard’s nickname—and I had to leave the room because it was so awkward. But seriously, did you think that you could get into StuVi 2 as a frosh? Only upperclassmen live there, dumbass.”
Of course, throwing a big-boy tantrum during Community Selection meant that Marshall automatically forfeited his registration time, giving him no choice of where to reside on campus next year. Fortunately, BU has generously offered him a space in one of Warren’s spacious quads with three other lucky souls.
“This moment is really when it sucks to BU,” joked Smith. “I would feel beyond pissed if I were a part of Jack’s foursome right now. Thank God Jessica was able to get us a South apartment with her housing number.”
When asked if he plans to try his hand at Summer Swap in the hopes of getting into his dream dorm, Marshall declined to comment. We can only wish him the best in his future home of quad-omores. For now, it’s hasta StuVista, baby.